August 17, 2011

Coming out of hiding

When life gets overwhelming, I turn into a hermit. I get lost in a sea of responsibilities, I feel like I am losing control over my own life and I retreat. Last week I went into that mode. It was starting to happen a few weeks ago and I slowly began cancelling commitments and pulling back into my shell.

By last Monday night I was experiencing the worst vertigo I had in a long time and I stayed home from work because I was not able to drive. Tuesday left me home again, leaving only long enough to have dinner at mom's with the kids. By Wednesday night I went to Barnes & Noble just to get out of the house. I was home by 10pm.

Once my workweek started again on Thursday, I spoke with different people about where my head was at and I remember telling Stoney "I feel like I can't remember who I am". Naturally, he replied "You're Jodi." :-) But it really was the best way to describe it. I have been through so many lessons of self-discovery, and clearing of old patterns lately. I found out that everything I thought I wanted wasn't, even though it really was, and my head was messed up. Most of all, my finances forced to me to make closure with my past in ways that caught me by surprise. I had to make some tough choices and following through on them left me down.

Whenever I get a small bout of depression, I tend to turn within and shut out all of my friends. Ironically, this is when I need them the most. By Sunday night, I knew something had to change, and it did. Cass called me and told me her new car was acting up. I told her what to do and she made it home while I was taking one more nap before work. I was still feeling bummed out when I woke up and then something happened...

As I was showering for work, Cass came in the bathroom and we started talking out a plan to get her car looked at and ready for her cross country trip back to school. By the time I got out of the shower I was back to my cheerful old self, and the only thing I could figure out was that perhaps getting back into "Jodi fixes everything" mode made me remember who I am. 

The next day I had her take my car to work and I took her to AutoZone to get a read out. No codes, everything was fine. It drove great for me, too. So, it was a fluke and she probably needed some maintenance, but we had nothing to worry about. All was right in the car department.

One good thing that came out of last week's homebody mode was that I finally got a studio figured out in my dining room. It took some creative rearranging, but I finally have my own space to create. I have been painting and gluing and creating every day. So far, I have for projects started and nothing finished. I have even painted over one of the projects a few times and began again. But the important thing is that I am working EVERY day in my space. Soon, it will flow again and I will have some good work to show for my efforts.

This week is crazy busy with Cass having a friend fly in today who will stay with us and then drive with her across the states. It is also crazy getting Maddie and Peter ready to start high school on Monday. But I thrive in chaos and I will rise to the challenges, as usual. 

Jodi is back and feeling like myself again.

here's hoping it sticks~

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