August 27, 2013

Trying to Trust

I'm in a thoughtful mood today. I tried to make Art again, but I wasn't feeling it. So, I decided to accept the fact that I am just in writing mode right now. 

So many thoughts and feelings are surrounding me these days. I decided to take a chance, open my heart to the possibility of love, and the Universe is playing along. 

I am curious what comes next. I am meeting new people all of the time. Some are fun, some are exciting, some even get my attention for reasons they wouldn't understand. And I am left standing here, wondering what to make of it all.

It is a scary place to be. I am open, and vulnerable. I am trying to remind myself that I am Love, and I am meant to BE loved. But it is scary to put myself out there, wondering if love will find me. 

There has been so much pain and heartbreak and disappointment. I did a lot of work to get through all that and put it behind me, assimilating it into my personal history in some manageable form. 

I had a wall built around my heart. The last time I took a chance, pulled a few stones away, and let the warm light shine in on my heart, it didn't work out very well. So I added more bricks and stones to the wall, and I went back to a friend. The one that is always there for me, waiting on the other side. 

I threw myself into the joy of being the consummate social butterfly, and I kept my heart behind that wall. Or so I thought. But just like every time before, I got too involved and fooled myself into thinking love was there. My therapist told me I was clinging to something I could never really have, because I was afraid to believe in what I really deserved. She was right.

I realized I had more work to do for myself, so I hibernated. I went within for months, virtually hiding from my life. My friends finally saw me this summer, and they asked where I had been. I told them I was stuck in hibernation mode, and I needed to snap out of it. So I did.

In that process, I realized that I am ready. I am whole and healthy and ready to really love again for the first time in years. And it scares me to death! What if I am standing here waiting, and it never comes?

What if I meet the right one for me, but I am not the right one for them? What if I find it, but subconsciously push it away because I am scared? What if love finds me, but I am afraid to believe it, and I don't recognize it staring me in the face?

What if...

There are always what ifs...

But yet we yearn to love and be loved. It is our purpose here. To experience Love in all of its forms. We need to be a part of something beautiful, something warm, something special in our own lives.

I get it. I need to Believe. I need to Trust. In myself, in my heart, and in my journey. This is so much easier said than done. 

There are men. There is the one who loves me, but probably shouldn't. There is the one that I am longing for, but I have no idea where he stands. There is the Distraction. And, of course, there is always the one who waits to pick up the pieces and remind me who I am. There are men.

But is there love?

Only time will tell. 

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