August 23, 2013

You were there...

There is a moment when I am looking at him, just watching him do mundane things the way he would if I were not there. I smile inside and realize that I am enjoying this glimpse of who he is when no one is watching. It's as if we share a secret... And I realize that in this moment I am blessed. 

I tell him I am truly enjoying watching him "be him"... Naturally he laughs it off with a funny remark. He can't handle a compliment any more than you could. 

I left overwhelmed in emotion. Naturally, I assumed it was him. 

And it was.

And it wasn't.

You were there. In my head. Echoes of a time I dared to believe. The only other time in my life I can remember just watching someone do mundane things and feeling blessed that they knew they were safe sharing that moment with me...

You laughed when I said "I love you" too often. You told me I was only infatuated. You never believed you were deserving of the powerful love I had for you. 

I knew very early on exactly what would cause our demise. I even wrote about it in that first journal. 

You never knew about the times I cried for hours, all alone in my apartment, because I already knew we would someday realize you just couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved.

That never stopped me from being All In. I adored you. I remember the night you rearranged the furniture. That night was the first night I saw your beautiful blue eyes love me back. I can still see us there, gazing at each other and realizing there was love in your eyes. And I knew I would marry you.

For years of my life, every single time I looked at you, I fell in love with you all over again. Your face, your arms, your legs when you wore shorts. A perfect specimen of physical beauty. You never did understand it. How a simple glance at you would make me fall in love all over again. No one else ever understood it, either. 

I will believe until I am dead that no being on this Earth could possibly love you as deeply and unconditionally as I did. It defies all logic and reason. But everyone knows I am crazy, right?

When you left, I was devastated. We fought one last time. You tried so hard to provoke me. Until I finally said the words. "If you are so unhappy, then why don't you just leave?" 

I never dreamed you really would. Even now it stuns me how easily you walked away. It was years before I truly realized and dealt with the fact that you were gone long before you left. That you hadn't been You for a very long time.

So many things were wrong by then. We both had changed so much. I was strong and didn't need to be rescued anymore. You were never the same after the accident. There was resentment, and anger, and ugliness. My adoration of who I knew you were meant to be could no longer hide who you really were.

It was years before I realized I had to heal once and for all. I had to do the hard work to put you behind me For good. And I thought I did.

But I am different now. 

Now I am smarter. Now I am healthier. Now I love myself for who I am, and my life is whole. 

I understand now that you did your job leaving your impression on my soul, and teaching me things I would carry with me forever.

It's better these days. So much better.

I understand that you will always be there, reminding me who I am. You taught me about love. You taught me things I wasn't able to understand before I did the work of letting our time together become a natural part of my history. 

I am love and light and laughter. I am resilient. I give my love so easily and so completely, that it overwhelms me sometimes. I am no longer scared of myself, my feelings, and the beautiful love I have to offer this world.

I am no longer afraid to look at my feelings, explore who I am, and accept nothing less than I deserve. I surround myself with people who are smart enough, wise enough in their soul to appreciate the gift I will be in their lives. 

I make better friends, with people who are smarter, and kinder, and who see everything I am and love me for what is. Not who I "could be" if I was just a different person.

And as I stood there, watching him putter around in his own special way, I smile inside and realize that I am enjoying this glimpse of who he is when no one is watching. It's as if we share a secret... And I realize in this moment that I am blessed.

Je t'aime~

No comments: