January 26, 2014

Time to be ME :-)

I read the last few posts and I realized that I haven't given a proper update in a while. I am doing fantastic!

I did have a health scare when I found a lump in my breast in November. It turned out to be a harmless hematoma. However, the process I went through from the time I found the lump until getting clear results was defining in my life. It changed me and the way I think about my life and the world around me, but probably not in the way most people would expect.

I did not have a "get healthy!" epiphany. In fact, I was supposed to stop smoking before that experience happened, and I still haven't. But that is MY decision, and I can't do it for anyone or anything else.

Just after New Year's Day I went away to a hotel for two days to be alone and make some Art. That experience did not go as planned at all, but it also taught me new lessons and brought me through the next threshold of my life's journey.

I got to the perfect room and decided to chill the first night. I went and picked up Chinese Food and began to watch a movie. Then the power went out for the entire hotel! Apparently, a transformer blew from the storms in the area, and they had no ETA for when it would be fixed. Eventually I went to sleep.

I woke up very early in the morning and waited for the breakfast they serve in the sunroom. After breakfast I napped and got up again to start my day. But I never really got started. I had a block, and the longer I sat in that chair watching Lifetime movies, the more guilt I felt for not creating.

I finally did start a painting project, and while each layer was drying, I explored my thoughts and feelings. I realized that I felt guilty and I examined deeper to find the cause. I soon realized that I was walking around with "should's" on my shoulder. You know, that feeling when you do something and the whole time you are thinking "I SHOULD be doing this" or "I should start THAT again."

These things are not real. They come from false messages as you grow and live and learn throughout your life. 

The only thing you truly SHOULD do is LIVE. Live YOUR life the way that is right for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. They SHOULD be worrying about their own path. For theirs is not yours, and yours is not theirs. We have all come here to find our own way. None is wrong and none are right. Everything just is. 

So, I decided to throw away the feeling that I *should* get my design business going again. Then, I decided its ok that I haven't done any of the projects around the house that I *should* have done months ago. And finally... I decided that I SHOULD be ok with the fact that my big plan was to make Art at the hotel, but my Spirit said "Be still, and hear what you need to hear..."

I sound so zen and wise! LOL But it took me a LONG time to get to this point and now that I am here, I need to stay focused. I need to let go of anything that is not serving me in the here and now, and stay plugged in to that "unbelievable clarity" I found through my health scare.  

So that's where I am now. Only my hair is cooler than it was, because once I found out everything was fine I went super short and spikey, and colored it bright auburn. :-) "Lucy! I'm home!" LOL So, I have decided to keep it for a while. It is spiking really cool again and I have gotten more compliments on my hair in the last two months than my whole life previously! All I know is that I felt the need for a drastic change and I am very happy with the results. 

Yes, I really am finally in that place... After all of the deliberate effort to heal from my past and let the future happen tomorrow... I can sit here and honestly say that I am happy, whole, and healthy All By Myself. :-)

~ She's Just Jodi and she's just Fine

1 comment:

jhm said...


I decided to play catchup on blogs tonight and found yours. I'm sorry you had to go thru the worry last NOvember but glad for the result.

You are right that
"People show you who they really are during times of hardship"

I also found that out last year when my husband had shoulder surgery and I needed to be there for him instead of everyone else who wanted me to do things for them.

Hang in there. You never know when that great, true friend will show up - male or female. Often when you least expect it.

Meanwhile I added you to my list of blogs - under Hoosier Stitchers - after all you are an honorary!