July 10, 2011

And She Drove...

She got in her car and gave a deep, long sigh. The day was longer than she expected, but it was finally over. She pulled out of her usual spot and left the lot. The first light was green and she accelerated like someone on a mission. And she was...

The feel of the acceleration began to heal her. She was numb and excitable at the same time. She was twisted, confused, and didn't know what she should be feeling. So she drove. She needed to be alone, yet she really wished she had someone to put their arms around her and just sit with her like that; making her feel safe in the silence. 

When the call first came, she jumped to action, thinking she had been here before and she would know exactly what to do. And, as usual, she stormed right in and took charge of the scene. She did it so well, she was praised for her efforts by everyone above her. Once the situation was stable, she spent her time making all of the right phone calls and caring for everyone else at the scene. She played hostess to the county, showed compassion for the family, and kept in tune with her own hierarchy. 

She never once thought about herself, except perhaps for the deep desire for nicotine.. After all, didn't she deserve it after what she had accomplished a second time in less than 8 months? That thought was brushed aside as quickly as it formed and she was back to assisting others with their personal aftermath. More phone calls, reports, statements. "Can I get you something?" "Are you ok? Call me if you need to talk."

But in the end, she was alone. Dealing with her own raw nerves. She knew she needed to make a call for herself, but her pride wouldn't let her. After all, wasn't she the one who just ran into the scene and took over before someone else had to? Dare she admit to herself or someone else that all she truly wanted now was someone who cared only about her and how she was doing? Did she really have to be strong ALL the time? But she never did call him. Deep down inside she simply hoped he would call her and ask if she was ok...

So she drove. and drove. and drove. 

Eventually, she stopped home to change and grab her computer. She went to her usual local hang-out to write and read and surf and daydream until she felt well enough to accept the fact that she was still alone with her feelings. She realized that she was scared to call the only person she really wanted to call. What if he wasn't ready for this kind of thing? He said he appreciated her strength and her intellect. What if he couldn't handle the part where she just needed to be allowed to feel and let someone else be strong for a little while?

In the end, she just went home. She had been strong for so long, she truly didn't know how to reach out when she needed to. Perhaps in time, he would learn this about her and show her it is safe to be less than strong every now and again. For now, she was scared to find out he wouldn't.

So she drove~

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