July 27, 2011

Catching Up With Life

Well, my life has changed radically in a short amount of time... Yesterday I gave up all hope of sleep to sit in a car dealer for most of the day. In the end, my daughter drove off in her first car, so it was well worth it! I have my life back again. :-)

No more rushing home to let her drive my car to work. No more squeezing in errands here and there and being woefully stressed when she leaves and I realize I have forgotten something at the store, or didn't get to the bank during lobby hours. My life is my own once more.

In other news, my spirit has been doing some deep healing. My wildly varied dreams are showing me upon awakening that I have some long held issues that are still not resolved. I am resigned to the fact that I will need to use my new found freedom to make appointments with Darryl once more. It is becoming apparent that I may need some assistance dispelling these reminders of my past for good.

I once held a love in my heart so deeply that recent events have reminded me yet again I need to heal once and for all if I am ever going to move forward in peace. I woke up this morning feeling my last dream so acutely that I had to remind myself that several years have gone by and I should not be holding onto this anymore...

I think I let the anger hide the pain in an effort to keep progressing toward a better life for myself. I do believe I let other people's distaste for that person convince me that I harbored disgust and was fooled by them. But, as usual, the truth will always float back into one's awareness reminding you of hurts not healed and lies not admitted to.

One thing I have learned about myself in these past five years is that I am incredibly good at lying to myself. It is rather ironic that I hold honesty in such high regard where other people are concerned, but I am such a master at lying to myself. It is high time to admit that I still wonder what happened to the only true love of my life. Is he happy? Is he safe? Are they still together? I could certainly find out, but I have concluded that would not be wise. Let sleeping dogs lie...

Back to the present- Alex leaves Thursday to go back to Indiana and he has made it very clear that he may not return except for short holiday visits. Today may be the last time I play with my kids before they are scattered across the country living adult lives and adding new people to our family circle. We are going to Disney to play in the parks and make memories we will hold in our hearts forever.

So, today I will cherish time with my amazing kids. We will laugh and play and act crazy like we always do when we are together, and people will smile when they see us. It will be a day we hold in our hearts when we miss each other and need a reminder of how close we really are.

Everything else will wait for tomorrow. The bills, the chores, the goals, the responsibilities. Today is for fun and love and laughter...

Remembering what really matters~

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