July 17, 2011

Learning Every Day

When I left work last Sunday, I thought I wouldn't have another night as challenging as that one for a long time. I was wrong. While I may not have had another drastic first response situation, this weekend has brought it's own difficult challenges at work. I have left each morning feeling drained and emotionally depleted. Yesterday I was so down by the time I got home, I was still feeling it last night. 

I was surprised how the feelings overwhelmed me and I was taken to a place in my mind and in my spirit that I had not been in a long time. My confidence was shaken and I was truly feeling lost. It made me mad, frustrated, and confused. Where was my usual attitude? How could I get back to that place where I was elated to have another day and my confidence was high? 

It seems almost everyone I know has had challenges this week at some point with their emotions and their own life struggles. Perhaps I was not the only one feeling the effects of this Cancer Moon. Last night brought more bizarre situations at work, but we all pulled together and leaned on each other. I strengthened my alliances with the people who matter to me and I got a better perspective. This morning I literally felt things moving in a different direction and right now I am coming into alignment.

I have slept well today and I woke on my own without an alarm. The kids just went out and as I sit here in my quiet home I am at peace. It is okay that I had a few days of not feeling superhuman. It is alright that I allowed myself to not stuff everything and pretend I was fine this time. I am still the same person even though I let myself feel things more deeply and personally this time. 

Sometimes going to a new place on your life's journey will bring up memories from other attempts to find your way. These memories can haunt you and remind you of mistakes you don't care to repeat. But that doesn't mean you should hide from your life and live in fear of being hurt yet again. These memories are there to serve you and remind you that happiness comes in many packages. We simply need to find the courage to open the gift.

I was speaking to some old friends who were at work this weekend and I was reminded of another time and another place. I said to one of them "That was my favorite mistake." And as I thought back to that time, I remembered the joy and the love in my life. I remembered how good it felt to trust myself and follow my heart. Sure, I knew it wouldn't be easy, and in the end, there was a lot of pain. But I live my life with no regrets, and I would certainly make the same choices if I had that one to do over again. I had deep love like never before or since, I had tremendous growth as a woman and a mother during that time, and I would never give up the years of happiness for the comparatively short amount of pain in the ending.

Today I am wiser. Today I am a culmination of all of my life's lessons and feelings and challenges. Today I am whoever I am supposed to be in this time and place. 

I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and continue on this path. Because no matter how scary it may be, I am not willing to miss out on even one moment of happiness that may be waiting for me just a few steps further down the way...


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