July 9, 2012

Cant stop writing today

So much on my mind and I feel like I have to let it out. Maybe then I can stop thinking. Thinking makes me crazy sometimes.

I just don't understand why Fridays have been so perfect, but all of the others leave me questioning everything.

The dance is in full swing again. I used to think it was a roller coaster, with all of its ups and downs. Recently, though, I realized it was more like a dance between us.

He moves in, I move toward him, then we both step back. Or I move in, he steps back, he moves in, I step back. Definitely a waltz, with my emotions hanging in the balance.

When I love someone, I love fully and without reservation. I have paid for this in the past, but it is simply who I am. I take people as they are. I expect nothing less than the same.

It is rare to find someone that really takes the time to KNOW me. When someone does, it scares the hell out of me. There is a part of me that is always waiting for them to uncover the one thing that will scare them away.

For some, it was my constant need for growth and change. For others, it was my strength they couldn't handle. Still others were intimidated by my propensity to jump in with both feet and deal with the consequences later.

I have been called Wishy-Washy. This bothered me so much until Bonnie explained that I am not. She called it right when she said I am not afraid to try new things, but I am also not afraid to change course when I realize that decision didn't work for me. She said its actually a strength, and the person who called me Wishy-Washy doesn't understand because they are too paralyzed by fear to take ANY action. She sure saw the dynamics of that relationship.

I have been called Emotional. I have plenty to say about that. For starters, it one of the things that makes me who I am. I am deeply empathetic. When I connect with someone, I literally feel their feelings. Only other empaths truly understand this and get the complexities of living with it. It is as big of a curse as it is a gift. Don't most "gifts" people have frequently feel like a curse when they feel powerless to control it?

I have literally had to teach myself how to protect my emotional energy from being drained by negative people. In fact, I was just talking to someone this weekend about a new technique I have mastered for not taking on another's negative energy when they catch me off guard, as this person often does.

No, I don't think being emotionally connected is a bad thing. It makes me a better listener, and it has helped me reach people at the soul level when they come to me for guidance.

Lastly, it makes me a woman. DUH!

The one that surprised me the most was the person who was intimidated by my intelligence. That one really hurt. In fact, I have realized lately, that I tend to hide behind my exuberance for life in order to be less intimidating. I have literally "dumbed myself down" around people without realizing it so as not to scare them away.

I hadn't even realized this had happened until I had an altercation with someone at work and I realized they thought I was truly stupid. Ultimately it was their own narcissistic personality that made them think everyone around them hadn't a clue. (And, to this day, they are totally unaware that EVERYONE who interacts with them thinks they are a complete moron. LOL) But it made me re-assess nonetheless.

I lost what was then the love of my life because he couldn't handle my intelligence and strength. The final straw was when my kids were still young and THEY were intimidating to him with their easy A's and gifted programs. I didn't believe it at first, but several of his friends told me this on separate occasions after he dumped me for his young blonde. Go figure.

So I look back at what I have written thus far and I realize it's no surprise that I have locked up my heart behind a brick wall. Some days it feels as if I will be alone for the rest of my life. Most of the time that doesn't bother me. After all, freedom is precious.

But let's cut the bullsh*t and get real. Humans have a need to be loved and wanted and held sometimes. A life of freedom is fine until I wonder if anyone will ever just hold me ever again. Will anyone ever want to KNOW me without constantly pushing me away? Will I always be driving home alone on a dark road to an empty bed with no arms to comfort me after a long, emotional week?

I don't *need* to be in a relationship to validate my existence. I've grown so far beyond that. But I would like to feel that someone will someday just want to be there for me with human contact when I need it. Arms to hold me, fingers to run through my hair as they tell me they are not going anywhere, and tomorrow will be better.

Someone who will understand that just because they have truly become my very best friend and the real love of my life, that I wouldn't change a thing between us. It's perfect just the way it is.

Now, if I could only learn to dance!

1 comment:

Gaston Glock said...