August 30, 2012

Don't know where to start

There is so much going on in my life right now and so much going on in my head and my heart. I feel like I could write forever.

My girls have got my back. I am blessed to have many wonderful friends who have been there for me through thick and thin. Donna, Bonnie, Karin, Monique, Sherri, Lisa, my Hoosiers, Sandi, Shannon, and now Caryl... Through the years these women have loved me for everything that I am and everything that I am not letting myself be.

Recently, two in particular have been very concerned about the path my heart was taking. They have watched me go in circles, never being fully appreciated or treated the way I should be, and settling for so much less than I deserve.

They have gently guided me to a place where I can see much more clearly what has been in front of me all along. The unproductive pattern my life had turned into. Giving myself away to empty promises and crumbs thrown my way to keep me following the path to someone else's fulfillment.

Recent events, although seemingly unrelated, have woven into a learning process that has shifted me somehow. My "therapist" told me this is exactly what would happen when I began to believe I deserved more than an occasional good day.

I do believe I deserve more, and I am no longer afraid to demand it and expect it. I have value and worth. I AM everything that man in the bar saw so easily after talking to me for two minutes.

And now there is someone who sees it and wants more. I am scared and not even close to letting myself trust. At this point all I can promise myself is that I won't run away. I will gently follow this path to see where it leads.

But in the meantime, I know that I will no longer settle. I see now that there are people who see me and my value, and are willing to work to earn my trust and respect and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I understand now that I did not have the real deal because I wasn't ready to believe I deserved it. Here... Today... a trail of crumbs are not enough. I deserve a commitment.

I don't mean like marriage commitment. I mean someone who is committed to putting me and my needs on par with their own. Someone committed to not taking me for granted. Someone willing to break out of their comfort zone with a concrete gesture or two that I matter. That's all.

And I think I found it ~

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