December 20, 2012


She was a catch. Smart, funny, kind. She was genuine and truly cared about people; a social butterfly who could talk and laugh for hours. People felt her positive energy and they were drawn to her like a magnet. She used to say she could "feel their feelings"...

She was in love with love, and gave her heart too easily. She was trustworthy and loyal. Always ready to believe the best in people, she was faithful and true to the end.

Energetic and charismatic, she was a natural leader. People would get caught up in her enthusiasm and her cause. There was always a cause. She was idealistic and always ready to champion the underdog.

Generous to a fault, she would give a stranger her last few dollars. She was known to drive out of her way to circle back to do it, too. She always said it was between them and God what they did with the money, but it was between her and God whether she helped them or not.

Yep. Everywhere she went, people loved her. They were drawn to the contagious laughter and the light in her eyes. And yet... She always drove home alone at the end of the night.

She would make the rounds socializing and having fun. But it was never her turn to be loved. A few times, she thought she found it. Someone who loved her and wanted her just as she was. But after they wanted her to change to please them, they would leave her for someone just like she used to be.

She had been an Artist. Creating things her soul needed to release. And when she wasn't Arting she was writing. Pouring her soul onto the pages, hoping to clear her mind enough to understand herself.

She took road trips and explored. She studied serious topics for hours and hours each week. She meditated and prayed. But none of it mattered. At the end of it all, she was still driving home alone, in the dark.

Now she is different.

She is harder. Skeptical. Cynical. There is a wall around her heart made of stone to protect it. And she laughs at the fools who still believe in fairy tales.

No one wants Real. They say they do. "I don't do drama." "Don't play games, be REAL." but it was a lie. She was as real as it gets, but she watched these very same people fall all over themselves for the gushy "I love you's" and fake b*llshit. No, they wanted lies and games and fairy tales. She understood that now.

She also understood that she could never be that fake. So, she began to accept the fact that she would spend her life alone. It was better that way. She told herself that she was better off real and alone, then lying to herself and falling for it again. The last one knew exactly where she had been and he hurt her even more. After that, she still gave her heart away a few more times before giving up completely.

Yes, she was safe now. Safe behind her walls. She was still fun and charismatic. People still loved her magnetic energy and her easy laugh. She just hid her pain beneath her smile. She drove a better car alone in the dark. She even started writing and making Art again.

But she was different now. And she wondered if she would be this way forever.

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