November 19, 2013

Someone Else...

I was sitting in a chair outside my house. One minute I was smoking a cigarette, thinking about all of the trivial crap that people think about. I reached up to scratch an itch. Something we do a hundred times a day without a thought.

My hand reached up and before I reached the itch, I was stopped cold. I couldn't believe this thing that had entered my reality. Not this. It had to be a lie. Yes, it was a lie. It had to be.

I went into a numb shock, and I only had one thought. Tell someone. Only one. So I called Kimberley. As the words came out, it sounded so fake to me- so unreal. Like when you walk into a crowded room and feel invisible, almost as if you were displaced from another dimension. It feels like you are in a bubble, invisible to the world, but you can still see everyone and everything going on all around you, oblivious to your presence.

I could tell right away she grasped the magnitude of what I said. It was in her voice. I immediately knew she would begin to pray about it unceasingly. And I was still floating in that I invisible bubble. I felt 17 levels removed from my body, my words. I was numb.

I hung up and went inside. I thought about it some more and made sure I didn't imagine it. I looked up some information about other occurrences such as these, but it all felt so false. Then I just went to sleep. It was surreal. It must be my chronic sleep deprivation from working nights. 

I woke up an hour ago. After 30 minutes I checked the facts again, and nothing had changed. I wanted to tell everyone... And no one. I thought about one person I would HAVE to tell and decided no one know else would know until they figured it out on their own. For someone who shares her life with the world, it feels strange to want to keep this secret.

I really wanted to call Paul. But it's too soon. I know I will share this with him long before I share it with others, but not just yet. Tonight is his first night at his new post, and I don't want to alter his experience. I will tell him when I have some facts.

These are the moments when you realize who you are the closest to. Who you think to tell first says a lot about where you are at on your journey. It brings everything into sharp focus and gives you unbelievable clarity.

I keep thinking about the woman at work who is on this path. It was someone else. These things always happen to "someone else", dont they? LOL We hear these stories throughout our lives about car accidents, bankruptcy, divorce, cancer, being laid off... And we are secretly always glad it's someone else.

That's sounds cruel, but I don't mean it that way. I just mean the way our brains are wired not to immediately accept these things into our personal reality. As if they could never happen to us as long as they keep happening to "someone else."

And I suddenly knew that my life would forever be marked by this. A marker that separates segments of my life. Everything from now on would be After. And everything that has already been will be Before.

That's just how these things work...

No comments: