November 23, 2013

Same as it ever was...

I was doing such a good job staying in denial... Too bad it couldn't last just a little longer. 

I was finally going to tell Paul today. He never had time for me...

I am spending the weekend with Wes. He took me to dinner and I met his friends that we are going out with all day tomorrow. I had some alone time afterward while he did one last run for work. That's when it hit me hard.

I ended up taking a wrong turn in the dark when I was headed to meet him at his place. He was so sweet about it. He called me to talk while he drove because he was so tired. We realized that I was on the wrong road and he talked me to where we could meet and I could follow him to the farm. 

I felt so lost. It hit me that it was what I had been hiding from all week. That lost and lonely feeling. I'm so good at wearing my happy mask. So I just hid behind it and just accepted the fact that everyone needs me to be their happy. Same as it ever was...

Now I'm outside smoking while he does his thing when he first gets home from work. I am on the brink of a tearful breakdown and I am trying so hard to hold it in. I didn't want to tell him until tomorrow night. I don't want to take anything away from his time with his friends.

Because that's what I do... I worry about everyone else. I am going through the scariest thing I have ever gone through, and I am still worried about other people's feelings.

Same as it ever was...

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