June 23, 2011

All In...

I have started writing this post three times. Perhaps this time I will finish it...

It is very important to me that I am honest with myself. Part of blogging is an exercise in putting it out there so that I can't hide from it. And, the more I get honest with myself, the easier it is to keep making forward progress.

Like this morning... 
I woke up in a new place today. I was keenly aware that I had passed a personal milestone and I was now on a journey in unfamiliar territory. I also realized that if things kept moving forward I would have to share things I had not thought about having to share with anyone yet. I felt vulnerable. It's a scary place to be for someone who is used to being strong and in charge.

On my journey home I let myself think long and hard about this vulnerability. I was scared to think about sharing things that make me look weak. Or sharing things that made me look less beautiful when I have enough trouble feeling that in the first place. (insert breakdown here...)

I also realize that much of my insecurity is a by-product of an age difference that is unfamiliar to me. I have never been the older one. The one further down the road of creaky knees, bifocal lenses, and crow's feet. I have always been the younger, better-looking one in the relationship. And, despite the fact that I was blissfully unaware of it on a conscious level, I realize now that there was a definite measure of security in that. I was the one reassuring the other that I was all in, knowing full well what the future could hold based on their age, or their health concerns.

Here I am now facing feelings I have never had to deal with before. Insecurities and vulnerabilities that were simply not relevant to my situation, but are glaringly real to me now like neon signs in the night sky. I look at this beautiful younger admirer and realize that he can have anyone, and it makes me look twice in the mirror. Of course, conversations about personal preferences probably haven't helped my confidence in this role of playing the older one, either.

But I am smart enough to know that I will never make progress if I hide from my vulnerabilities. And I have never been one to back down just because the journey gets a little scary... In fact, the challenges are what keeps me going- pushing forward, come what may, to the sunshine after the rain. Isn't that my modus operandi?

So, as I sit here pondering the future before me, I realize that I have to put my insecurities on the back burner. For I have never been one to do anything halfway, and I am not about to start now. I am still that woman who jumps in with both feet, living life to the fullest in each moment and grabbing happiness today with no regard to what pain may come tomorrow. For what is gained if we avoid living for the fear of an unhappy ending?

And in that vein, there is really only one thing left to do:

Ready or not, here I go...

All In~

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