June 17, 2011

and she cried all the way home...

Tonight she didn't feel well. She was tired and weak, her muscles were sore from too much activity the day before, and all she wanted to do was sleep. But she pulled it together and did the responsible thing. She always does, doesn't she?

She stands so strong, so bold, so enthusiastic. Sometimes she runs all over herself with her sheer joy of experiencing her life. Other times she just runs all over herself. Today might be one of those days.

By 4am she knew she had to leave. It was sleep that was beckoning her to give in and accept that she was sick. She had done all of her work hours before, and there was always someone else to watch the place on Thursdays. She would only miss one small meeting, and her partner could surely catch her up on that later. So she gave in and headed to her car.

Once she was driving, it was too easy for all of the fears, and all of the doubts to creep in stronger than ever. She was hurting and she finally knew why. This new path was fun, exciting even, but she had to be honest with herself- it wasn't making her feel beautiful. She was learning about new things, preparing for new risks, but at what cost? Could she afford to let it change her? Could she afford not to?

Funny how in the past people said all the things she wanted to hear, but then departed abruptly for someone so much... less. And every time, it was her who was left putting the pieces of a life back together. Yet, she longed to hear those things again, knowing full well she wouldn't believe them. But it wouldn't matter, because the speaker would *mean* them. And she needed to believe *that*.

She searched for the meaning in her sadness, and right on cue, her music led her straight there. She found herself crying all the way home over lost loves who walked out without shedding a tear or even apologizing for abruptly altering her future. Faith Hill has a song "Cry" where she asks her man to cry a little because it hurts her even more to know he could leave so easily without even feeling anything... Yesterday, in her bed, she heard that song and realized she had never fully faced that pain. The pain that it was so easy for all of them to let her go... 

It is one thing for someone to leave you with tears in their eyes because they truly loved you at some point and they mourn for what would never be. But when someone can just walk away from you, as if it were the easiest thing in the world, it leaves a different kind of scar. A few of those scars and you start second guessing yourself. You question everything you thought you knew and you wonder if you are ever going to find someone who will simply take you as you are. 

She loves new adventures, new experiences, learning, laughing, making new memories. But she needs to know that it began because she is enough exactly the way that she is. And she's not feeling it. 


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