June 9, 2011

Beginning a New Adventure

Sometimes, when you least expect it, your life takes a turn you never expected. You think you have it all figured out and you know what your next ten steps will be and then something, or someone, comes along to turn it all on it's head.

This is not always a bad thing. In fact, sometimes it can be rather nice... But I don't do surprises. Ok, that's not true. I LOVE surprises. It's just that I am impossible to surprise, so the only true surprises I have ever had were not good ones. It leaves me a bit gun shy. 

And, after many years of seeking happiness and love, and only finding a new path to shatter my heart, I have a hard time trusting again. I have resigned myself to being a lone wanderer, stopping only long enough to enjoy a side trip through the game filled territory of relationships until I tire of the games and move on before I can be hurt again. My latest defense against the pain was to chat and flirt with as many people as possible so that I would have a never-ending stream of first dates, possibly second dates, and never have a chance to get too close to one person for them to hurt me. 

Alas, this game of my own came with some unexpected consequences. It left me questioning who or what it is I really want. It left me with doubts and suspicions in ways I hadn't anticipated. And it reminded me of my value, because they always come back! LOL In the end, I was feeling more unrest than before I began. It never occurred to me that *I* would have to be the one to call it quits and tell them to move on. I'm not experienced in this role.

Last week, I met with a friend who suggested I stop trying so hard and go with the flow for a while. I realized the wisdom there, since I have been practicing this in other parts of my life. What I did not know was how fast things could change the moment I ceased my resistance to that flow. For literally within days, I was finding an invitation to a gathering. And while I was very pleased to make some new friends, there was really only one reason I was there. 

For as much as I am a bubbly, enthusiastic conversationalist, I am always paying attention to the subtle energies beneath the surface. Single comments that may seem insignificant to others are never lost on me. And even in the crowd, I saw an eagerness to connect that surprised me. Could it be that the one who decries pursuing was pursuing me? It would be appropriate in my flow as I adore irony. My friends can attest to the fact that even when unpleasant things arrive on my journey, if there is a proper ironic twist, I can't help but find it quite amusing. 

So, here I sit, almost a week later, pondering the first get together... It was a wonderful evening filled with intelligent conversation, good food, plenty of laughter, and all of the other ingredients to make it a proper recipe for success. It was almost too easy. And that is probably why I am sitting here wondering what the hell happened. It feels like a dream. Except that I have a few snapshots on my phone to show me I was really there. And he really is charming. And he really was having a great time, too...

I am looking forward to following this new path to see where it may lead. Sure, it is scary because it is so different, but I have never been one to let my fear hold me back. I am always willing to spin a new thread, try a new way, begin a new adventure....

and I will...

Peace for the journey~

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