June 11, 2011

When will I Sleep?

Writing is like Art. 

In the moment, I have to let it out. Looking at it later, it doesn't always adequately reflect the feeling in my soul that I was trying to convey. 

Today I am still having trouble sleeping. There is so much on my mind. I can't get a handle on it all and it haunts me in my sleep, waking me up and making it impossible to fall back...

I am feeling the ongoing effects of the last heartbreak. It has made me scared and tentative to move forward. I really want to trust, and even believe that someday I will meet the one who won't shatter my heart in a million pieces. But I am so afraid to even let myself like being with someone. 

I lie to myself that I am just trying to "date" or "hang out" with someone new. But eventually you see potential and you have to decide if you can push past the fear and take it one day at a time to see where it goes, or if you should run back into that safe, lonely shell. Who is this person I have become? Who is she who is afraid to even try?

Where is that woman who grabs her life and jumps in with both feet?

I mean, this is only an adventure... and it may lead nowhere. But I am so afraid of being hurt that taking a second step toward the unknown is a giant leap right now. And the fact that there IS potential, at least the correct groundwork, makes it all the more overwhelming.

What do I really want? Someone who takes me as I am and does not try to use me or change me. Someone who appreciates me for who I am and wants to be that someone special in my life. And they want to make me that someone special in theirs.

They will respect that we are each whole people unto ourselves. Not "half without the other". They will respect my need for my own time and space, and encourage me to follow my dreams, no matter where that may leave them. And I will do the same for them. But along the way we will cherish each others' individual needs and do our best to honor them, because in the end, we have decided we are worth it.

Intellectually, I am willing to do whatever it takes to please a potential partner. For if I feel someone is worth spending my time with, then they deserve the absolute best I can be for them. Emotionally, however, I am afraid to invest my time too quickly, until I know that they will be there long enough to benefit from my efforts.

Perhaps letting this out of my head will help me find some clarity. How many days can I barely sleep before falling apart? 

Christina Perri has two songs that I can't help listening to over and over... 

My past is "Jar of Hearts". 
I would like my future to be more like "Arms".


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