August 22, 2012

At the end of the day I feel good.

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. I think at first I was in shock. This was the one person who was supposed to be up front and honest no matter what. I caught a slip two weeks in a row, but tried to talk myself out of it. Once the last piece of the puzzle fell into place, I realized I had been right all along.

Once the shock wore off, I was incredibly sad... Overwhelmingly lonely and drowning in sorrow. For two days I was really upset. Not just at this situation, but at where I had let my head and my heart go with this one.

I even thought this song was perfect:

Then, somewhere around the end of the second blog post this weekend, the reality that I was LIED to by the one person who was never supposed to do that to me hit me hard. That's when the anger took hold.

Sure, it started as productive anger; the kind that propels you to move into a new phase of your life. But, eventually, it just turned to bitterness. I imagine a conversation where he tells me to "let him have it" and get it all off my chest. I have to tell him that I can't because if I truly said what I was thinking, those words can't be taken back, and we would have no hope of salvaging our friendship.

So, I swallowed the bitter pill and got on with my life. Only time can heal this wound. I simply have to understand that no man can ever be truly honest enough with himself to be truly honest with me. I will lock my heart up behind yet another wall while it heals and I will live in the moment. I've already started dating again.

In the meantime, I have forgiven myself for getting sucked in AGAIN. I realized that I am a dreamer who wants so desperately to live the life I always wanted, that I let myself believe it could happen. Now I know better.

Now I know that it is a fairy tale. A bedtime story that people tell themselves to make them feel better. There is no such thing as what I thought I wanted all these years. The proof is right in front of me.

All the pretty people with their pretty little fake lives are just pretending. And inside their pretty little houses, they are nothing more than liars and fakes. But that's ok.

Because at the end of the day, I am better than all of them. I love without reservation. I never lie to people that mean the world to me. I take risks and i go on adventures.

I never tell people what they want to hear just to manipulate them. I haven't wasted my life in a dead end job, raising children I can't brag about while I lose my house and my husband cheats on me. I don't pretend I'm not married and try to live single because I don't have the guts to leave.

Nope. I am legally divorced, I have a career job that I can be proud of, I have children that people dream theirs would grow up to be, I have MANY people in my life who love me exactly as I am and don't tell me what they think I want to hear. Most of all, I look in the mirror and I like what I see.

At the end of the day, I feel good. And that's all that matters. :-)

No comments: