August 20, 2012

Still pretending

So I have been thinking a lot about what my "therapist" said. I know she's right. Crap I hate that. When someone tells your truth. You already knew it, but it was easy to lie to yourself or just ignore it, until someone looks you in the eye and says it back to you. Then it becomes real and you can't hide from it anymore.

Most days I LOVE being alone. No one to answer to, no one checking up on me at inopportune times. I am free.

Sometimes, though, it is so overwhelmingly lonely. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone hold me and ask me how my day was. Someone who could love me as I am and not be afraid of my strength and my energy. Someone who won't run away when they are freaked out once they realize how intelligent I am.

My therapist tells me I am settling for less than I deserve because I don't believe I deserve more. I know she's right. But after so much heartbreak, it IS hard to believe there is something better, and that I actually deserve it.

Do I want to be in love with someone who can never give me what I need? Of course not. I was never supposed to fall in love. That was not part of the plan. But we can't help who we fall in love with.

One thing is for sure. Wherever we end up along our paths, no one ever has, or ever will, love him so completely for everything he is the way I have...

Too bad that means absolutely nothing. ::Sigh::

Too bad my bubbly effervescence and intelligent wit are lost on anyone who might actually be emotionally available.

Ugh. I give up. I'm going back to dreaming about my RV. I'm going back to all of the Art I've been working on and never seem to finish. I'm going back behind my wall where I can't keep getting hurt. It's less painful that way.

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