August 19, 2012

I'm good at that

Some days it feels like the loneliness is going to swallow me whole.

Tonight I watched as everyone left with someone next to them. I got in my car alone in the dark and pretended I was fine. I'm good at that.

As I drove, I thought about my girlfriends who give me crap about being in love with someone that will never love me or be there for me the way I need him to be. Kind of ironic that this very night he left on his big cruise with his wife for their anniversary. Also ironic that these friends are all married and don't have to drive home 40 miles. Alone. In the dark.

I thought about the lies. I always think about the games, the half truths, the "rules". But I always get sucked back in.

Then I thought about yesterday when I was sitting there having a lovely time with my friend and her husband... Until the "couple friends" showed up. One even had the nerve to ask if I had registered for the singles event and gotten my "loser badge."

And then, suddenly, I was invisible. It was like my friends were sitting there alone just waiting for them to show up. I pointed out to my friend that this is why I keep playing along. Because at the end of the day, everyone couples up and I'm invisible. He's all I have.

He's the only one who is ever there for me. Except when he isn't. Because he's on a cruise. With his wife. For their anniversary. And I am alone for the second night in a row watching everyone get up and leave with someone next to them.

Yesterday I was sitting at a bar laughing and talking with some gentlemen. After a few minutes, one of them asked me why I was single. I asked him what he meant. He said that I was cute and fun and obviously brilliant, so why was I still single? He wasn't trying to hit on me, he has a wife and he was just having fun drinking with the guys. He was genuinely curious.

I laughed, threw my hands up in the air, and said "I don't know. You tell me." he got real serious and said, "No. Really. Clearly you have a lot to offer. I don't understand why you are alone."

He's not the only one. I wonder why my exes didn't think I was enough and they had to look elsewhere. I wonder why I can't find one person who wants to date me long enough to find out how fabulous I really am. I wonder why only married men seem to see this.

I wonder why everyone who has an opinion about how many times I've been married, or why I hang out with someone who is, seems to not realize that after they are done judging me, they go home. To a partner. And I drive home alone. In the dark. And I pretend that I am fine.

Oh it makes me want to scream!!!!!

But instead I will try to stop crying long enough to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better. If I don't no one will notice anyway. Because I'll pretend that I am fine.

I'm good at that.

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