September 10, 2012

Thought I would be sleeping now

I am trying to catch a nap before work, but my mind is not letting me. So much has happened in a short amount of time, and I am still processing.

Some days the only thing I know for sure is who I am and what I want. I guess that's all that matters anyway, right?

I am strong, intelligent and adaptable. I am loyal to the death and there is no better friend. I feel very deeply and love fully and without reservation. I am whimsical, whacky and fun. I love to go on adventures and drag others along for the ride. I am a social butterfly who needs to socialize as much as I need to breathe. I am passionate and enthusiastic and impulsive, and you will always find a way to forgive me because it is obvious I only have the best intentions. :-)

On the flip side, I hurt as deeply as I love. I need to be acknowledged and appreciated. I need to be truly LOVED. Most days I can't imagine not being free and independent, until the loneliness slices my heart in a million sharp pieces. Perhaps it's because I have so much unconditional love to give that I am forever searching for someone who is worthy of my attention...

I laugh easily. My friends say they always know where I am because they just listen for my laugh. :-)

I don't cry easily, though. When I cry, I have been hurt so deeply that I can't find the words and it has to find a way out. If you have made me cry more than once, well... I need you to understand that it's a big deal.

I want and NEED to be loved. I want that and I deserve it. Do not take me for granted or hurt me. Once the blind loyalty melts me to tears, only love can bring me back.

Don't tell me what you did for me last week, last month, or last year. Show me, today, why I am worth fighting for. Or don't expect me to fight for you.

In my mind, this seems only fair. If you disagree, I apologize, but I will never change. I used to be a people pleaser. Until I lost so much of myself that I became invisible. I will never do that again.

Today, right here and now, my heart is hiding behind a brick wall. I thought that was enough to protect it. I was wrong. The wall keeps me from giving it away easily, but it still feels pain just as if I were wearing it in my sleeve.

This is what I know today to be true. For now, will have to be enough.

I really need some sleep..~

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