Time to be ME :-)

I read the last few posts and I realized that I haven't given a proper update in a while. I am doing fantastic!

I did have a health scare when I found a lump in my breast in November. It turned out to be a harmless hematoma. However, the process I went through from the time I found the lump until getting clear results was defining in my life. It changed me and the way I think about my life and the world around me, but probably not in the way most people would expect.

I did not have a "get healthy!" epiphany. In fact, I was supposed to stop smoking before that experience happened, and I still haven't. But that is MY decision, and I can't do it for anyone or anything else.

Just after New Year's Day I went away to a hotel for two days to be alone and make some Art. That experience did not go as planned at all, but it also taught me new lessons and brought me through the next threshold of my life's journey.

I got to the perfect room and decided to chill the first night. I went and picked up Chinese Food and began to watch a movie. Then the power went out for the entire hotel! Apparently, a transformer blew from the storms in the area, and they had no ETA for when it would be fixed. Eventually I went to sleep.

I woke up very early in the morning and waited for the breakfast they serve in the sunroom. After breakfast I napped and got up again to start my day. But I never really got started. I had a block, and the longer I sat in that chair watching Lifetime movies, the more guilt I felt for not creating.

I finally did start a painting project, and while each layer was drying, I explored my thoughts and feelings. I realized that I felt guilty and I examined deeper to find the cause. I soon realized that I was walking around with "should's" on my shoulder. You know, that feeling when you do something and the whole time you are thinking "I SHOULD be doing this" or "I should start THAT again."

These things are not real. They come from false messages as you grow and live and learn throughout your life. 

The only thing you truly SHOULD do is LIVE. Live YOUR life the way that is right for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. They SHOULD be worrying about their own path. For theirs is not yours, and yours is not theirs. We have all come here to find our own way. None is wrong and none are right. Everything just is. 

So, I decided to throw away the feeling that I *should* get my design business going again. Then, I decided its ok that I haven't done any of the projects around the house that I *should* have done months ago. And finally... I decided that I SHOULD be ok with the fact that my big plan was to make Art at the hotel, but my Spirit said "Be still, and hear what you need to hear..."

I sound so zen and wise! LOL But it took me a LONG time to get to this point and now that I am here, I need to stay focused. I need to let go of anything that is not serving me in the here and now, and stay plugged in to that "unbelievable clarity" I found through my health scare.  

So that's where I am now. Only my hair is cooler than it was, because once I found out everything was fine I went super short and spikey, and colored it bright auburn. :-) "Lucy! I'm home!" LOL So, I have decided to keep it for a while. It is spiking really cool again and I have gotten more compliments on my hair in the last two months than my whole life previously! All I know is that I felt the need for a drastic change and I am very happy with the results. 

Yes, I really am finally in that place... After all of the deliberate effort to heal from my past and let the future happen tomorrow... I can sit here and honestly say that I am happy, whole, and healthy All By Myself. :-)

~ She's Just Jodi and she's just Fine

Word of The Year 2014

So I realized a week ago that I hadn't picked a word to focus on for 2014. I pick a word each New Year to be the theme that I will use for creating the next step in my life. The word is like a touchstone of sorts to help me stay focused on my dreams for my future as well as what I want in the here and now. 

I thought about the fact that I REALLY want to start the year off focusing on my Art and making it my primary career. I want to get into a regular practice of making Art every day. I want to get my design business going again and really dive into my creative self. 

So... Ladies and Gentlemen, the word of the year for 2014 is...

Create!

Our Society is so Ironic

It is so fascinating to me how our society globs onto one concept forsaking all others. Take "The Cure", for example. 

We want to fine the The Cure for diabetes, The Cure for breast cancer, The Cure for autism. You never hear about a walk to find The Cause.

I think this is a beautiful illustration of our American culture in general. We don't want to actually stop eating and drinking the things that are KNOWN to cause these issues. We just want to make sure we have a cure after the damage is done. 

It has been proven over and over that a healthy diet and regular exercise can prevent so many health issues and "epidemics" in our nation. Even still, our general population will wolf down McDonald's on the way to the movie theater where they will drink soda and eat candy, while sitting sedentary for two hours.

We drink water out of disposable bottles made with BPA, that has been proven to be a direct cause of cancer, especially breast cancer.  There is also the problem of these water bottles finding their way into oceans and landfills, seeping their chemicals into our water and food supply. But do we fight to get rid of the plastic bottles, or at the very least, DEMAND that they are made with safer materials? Of course not. We simply want to champion the cause of a Cure for the ails that they cause.

Now I will admit that I am just as guilty as the next person. Please do not think I am sitting on some high horse, looking down on my society. Rather, I am observing a phenomenon that has been socially engineered into our culture for decades.

The powers that be make a LOT of money off of our ignorance. They sell us the problems, market the reasons these things will make our life better, then sell us the things that will ease our discomfort once the damage is done.

Ultimately though, it is our own ignorance that prevents us from realizing we deserve a better standard if living, and we will not get it until we DEMAND IT. 

~ Just pondering a few random thought over sugar laden coffee filled with chemical powder meant to taste like cream....

People Show you...

I always heard that people show you who they really are during times of crisis. I guess I had never experienced it to this magnitude before.

In the last week I have experienced so many unexpected reactions from so many so called "friends". Some have been exactly what I needed them to be, but too many others have surprised me with their callous behavior. Heck, one of them hasn't even bothered to return my messages to find out what I needed to tell him.

Not knowing if I have a serious health issue and a long, arduous road to recovery in my future, or if this is merely a false alarm- a wake-up call to take better care of myself... This is scary. And it sucks! And friends not being there for me when I need them the most sucks even worse.

I found a lump. A solid mass, the size of a marble. It could be nothing at all. 80% of these are benign. But I have MANY high risk factors that I never knew, and I am scared. And alone. And some people are really letting me down.

Right before this happened, I decided I was done with dating. I tried one last time to put myself out there in an attempt to find companionship. But men still suck, and I am still better off without one. Now, as my friends show their true colors, I am realizing just how often I ignore my own needs in order to take care of everyone else. So, I will just walk through this journey alone.

I am realizing that when it truly matters, I can't count on anyone but myself to be there for me. I am my own best friend. I am strong and smart and funny and really just amazing in so many ways. And if you can't be there for me after I have given so much of myself when everyone else needed me, then just leave me alone. Because I will be busy with the ones that really give a shit.

People show you who they really are during times of hardship.

Same as it ever was...

I was doing such a good job staying in denial... Too bad it couldn't last just a little longer. 

I was finally going to tell Paul today. He never had time for me...

I am spending the weekend with Wes. He took me to dinner and I met his friends that we are going out with all day tomorrow. I had some alone time afterward while he did one last run for work. That's when it hit me hard.

I ended up taking a wrong turn in the dark when I was headed to meet him at his place. He was so sweet about it. He called me to talk while he drove because he was so tired. We realized that I was on the wrong road and he talked me to where we could meet and I could follow him to the farm. 

I felt so lost. It hit me that it was what I had been hiding from all week. That lost and lonely feeling. I'm so good at wearing my happy mask. So I just hid behind it and just accepted the fact that everyone needs me to be their happy. Same as it ever was...

Now I'm outside smoking while he does his thing when he first gets home from work. I am on the brink of a tearful breakdown and I am trying so hard to hold it in. I didn't want to tell him until tomorrow night. I don't want to take anything away from his time with his friends.

Because that's what I do... I worry about everyone else. I am going through the scariest thing I have ever gone through, and I am still worried about other people's feelings.

Same as it ever was...