Glimpses

Surprises come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they are meant to stay. Other times they merely show up to give you a glimpse of something you thought you wanted, and they show you that you need to be more specific. 

It is time to make a list. What is it that I am looking for? Will I ever figure it out? 

I keep meeting people that show me possibilities. People who have pieces of the whole that I am seeking. People that teach me more about who I am and what I want. Each one brings me a few steps further down my path to fulfillment.

Thank you...

Seriously? Ugh.

My weekend went nothing like I expected. I need next week more than ever. Wow.

Tonight at work sucked, too. Somewhere between the usual calls and the call I hate the most, I had a short break with the guys. I poured out my heart, and let my emotions run. One sat there quietly, patiently listening. The other one wanted to fix it so he said too much.

In the end, I hugged each of them and thanked them for just caring enough to be there for me. It was nice. For ten minutes I let that wall down and had friends who wanted to be there for me. It was more than I got this weekend. 

I expect too much from people. I can't help it. I feel too deeply, and I am always disappointed that others don't. It is hard to be so impassioned and emotive. I can't change who I am. But some days it's hard to be me.

Some days all I long for is someone to hold me and be there for me. It is not about "external validation" or needing to be loved. It is about wanting. It is about loneliness and sorrow and wanting someone who cares enough to show it with physical affection. 

I have these days when I am just tired of being everyone else's sunshine, and I just need someone to be mine. This does not happen often, but when it does, it hits hard. And the loneliness is unbearable.

That was last night. That was rain...

Today is sunshine once more.

some days alone gets lonely

Found some old posts from another site. This was from 2011. The second time I dealt with death at work. It was a very lonely ride home that day...


Today I was strong.
Today I took charge and ran the show.
Today I did a great job.
Today I am alone.

I wish someone else
could be strong
for a little while.
I am tired
and this load is heavy.
Will you carry it for me?
Will I let you?

Will you hold me next time?

Today I am alone.

I am Ready

Life is interesting again, and I am ready to jump in with both feet! I got out of my rut, and I have made some new friends. I even had a really hot guy give me his number! LoL

Anyway, I have been spending some more time thinking about what I want right now. I know what I want my future to look like, but I haven't given much thought to " in the meantime." I decided to do some writing and take some time to figure it out.

I came to the conclusion that I am ready to take a chance and open my heart again. I have been thinking about how different I am now, and what it would be like to share " this" me with someone. I have also decided to trust that this person will show up exactly when they are supposed to.

In the past, I would meet someone and want them to be the one I was looking for. If the last three years have taught me anything, I know that love will find me when I least expect it. What matters now is that I am not afraid anymore.

So, I have been taking time to meditate and just be. I have been envisioning what my life will be like when the right one finds me, and I have been writing poetry to express my feelings about my future. I shared one in the post just before this one. It is not about anyone in particular. I wrote it after waking from a dream where I was happy and safe with someone new. The mysterious one who is out there waiting for me the same way I am waiting for them.

In the meantime I will laugh and play and continue to be grateful for my beautiful life filled with love and laughter, new friends and old. I will embrace each day with the same joy I always do, but now I will trust that it's ok to love again; because I am whole and healthy and happy in this place.

~Namaste

I need a change

I am disgusted.

With my government,
With some of my family and friends
(who are supposed to be educated thinking people),
With my surroundings,
With my place in life...

It's time to make a change.

I took a trip.
It was amazing.
I came home refreshed and renewed.

And it only took two weeks to remind me why I needed the vacation so badly.

I live in a tyrranical police state, with cameras following me on every corner, or every tenth of a mile on the highway. Not that it matters anyway, because the government openly admitted to tapping every phone, reading every communication, and tracking our every movement.

But I should trust a government that kills Americans in an effort to create fear so big that we beg them to strong arm us further, under the guise of "Security".

Still,  my dad says "Nazi Germany could never happen here."
ROFL
WAKE UP, Dad. It already has.

My closest friends are as disgusted as I am, and quite frankly, I no longer want to communicate with anyone dumb enough not to see or care what is really going on.

I am sick of it all.

Then I have my mother telling me how messed up my life is. HAHAHAHA
Yes, because hers is a shining example of happiness and harmony. Of course.

So, yeah, its time for a change...

Now I just need to decide exactly what that change will be....

Farewell, Island Man

Friday night I finally returned his calls. he had been gone for two months. I think we spoke on the phone once. December 12th he contacted me to find out if I would see him if he came home. Being optimistic, I said yes. That was three weeks earlier.

It began on August 25th. A three week whirlwind of emotions that left me wanting more. Then he left, and a week became two before he returned and we tried again. It was a Saturday, and he kept me waiting as usual. By the time I arrived I was not in the mood he wanted me to be in. That's what you get for postponing me for three hours.

The next day he was moody and bossy. I didn't take it well before coffee, and I ended up in tears. We spoke a few days later and things seemed better. By Friday of that week he was halfway across the country. What???

There was work and they would pay what he felt was enough to make it worth the distance. I moved on. I literally moved- to a new home; and there my life began again. We spoke once in the darkness at night when we were each on a break at work. I was neutral then, but not yet indifferent.

Then it was December and he asked to see me. But he never came and he never called. Until last Wednesday. I had just finished five days off work for the New Year when he called with his tales of woe. Never did he ask how I was or what was going on with me. I cut him off eventually and went back to my life, irritated that he had been in town for two days prior.

The next day he texted and later left a message. Friday morning I sent an obligatory text that I was headed home from work. I ignored the texts and the calls until the evening. I listened to the message that implied I found something better, and I knew I needed to set him straight. So I did.

I called and forced him to let me get a word in. I'm not going out tonight. You should have called when you got back. No word from you in three weeks and now you want me to drop everything, etc. He tried to turn it on me, but I wouldn't let him.

I finished by telling him "you don't KNOW me, and you never wanted to." He was going to say "have a nice life", but I hung up first. This was MINE to finish. And I did.

It felt good. It felt like growth and change and acknowledgement of my worth. I slept well that night in my bed alone. It was peace. The next day I woke with a knowing that I had finally gotten the lesson once and for all.

I am whole. I am complete. I am valuable all by myself.

~ and I am happy!!

Not a freaking clue!

So I'm having a lovely lazy Saturday. I did tons of chores and errands yesterday and I feel like I got enough done to justify using a personal day for Thursday night. Now it's time to plan for the night's festivities.

I've been thinking more about the whole single status thing. For a long time now I have realized that I have no idea what it is I really want. I love being my own person and doing whatever the hell I want to from one day to the next. I do get lonely at times and wish that I had someone to text every day and say hello, and maybe even "I love you".

But when I stop and think about being in a serious relationship and making promises, I realize I have no intention of promising anybody anything right now. I love having choices, options... "goals". LOL

Sure, if someone found me and was truly able to accept me as I am, anything could happen. But I'm not looking for it. And, as we have already established, I have serious issues believing anyone can be true. So I guess the best explanation of where I am at would be to say that I am open to all of the possibilities that life has to offer. And when someone or something happens to change my view on love and relationships, then I'll deal with it when it happens.

In the meantime, it's Saturday! And I'm ready to party! :-p

~ always moving forward

I'm Changed

I'm different.

As I sit on my balcony in this familiar chair, I realize that I am not the same person I was in June. I spent the summer getting tan, making new friends, enjoying more than a few Adult Beverages, and ultimately redefining my priorities.

Somehow, when I wasn't looking, June became July, then August...

That's when it really started. August brought so many things into sharp focus. A series of decisions made by other people touched me on many levels and I made my own decisions accordingly.

I'm tired of rehashing what's behind me. Suffice it to say I was taught many things about myself, my past and my present. I was reminded WHO I AM, and who I want to be.

Today I sit here 13 pounds lighter, very tan, and keenly aware that I am not the same. I believe the change is primarily for the better. I have begun designing again and working on new Art projects. To me, this is a positive change.

But just like any other time of great change in my life, there has been a shift. I am thinking differently these days. I am seeing different people, different ideas, and different experiences take center stage now.

Life has taught me lessons that can not be unlearned, and shown me things that cannot be unseen. I am trying to go slower, sleep better, listen more.

I drive with no music more often, and I sit here with no phone in my hand every now and then. I just take more time to *feel* what is happening each day. The stillness speaks, and for once I am listening.

I'm different.

It feels strange, but it's good, and I look forward to the next experience...

Early on, he set his hand on my knee as he told me I needed to be a better listener. At the time I had no idea what a profound lesson he was teaching me.

Now I am listening... and I am "hearing" so much more.

The stillness speaks, and I am changed. ~

Thought I would be sleeping now

I am trying to catch a nap before work, but my mind is not letting me. So much has happened in a short amount of time, and I am still processing.

Some days the only thing I know for sure is who I am and what I want. I guess that's all that matters anyway, right?

I am strong, intelligent and adaptable. I am loyal to the death and there is no better friend. I feel very deeply and love fully and without reservation. I am whimsical, whacky and fun. I love to go on adventures and drag others along for the ride. I am a social butterfly who needs to socialize as much as I need to breathe. I am passionate and enthusiastic and impulsive, and you will always find a way to forgive me because it is obvious I only have the best intentions. :-)

On the flip side, I hurt as deeply as I love. I need to be acknowledged and appreciated. I need to be truly LOVED. Most days I can't imagine not being free and independent, until the loneliness slices my heart in a million sharp pieces. Perhaps it's because I have so much unconditional love to give that I am forever searching for someone who is worthy of my attention...

I laugh easily. My friends say they always know where I am because they just listen for my laugh. :-)

I don't cry easily, though. When I cry, I have been hurt so deeply that I can't find the words and it has to find a way out. If you have made me cry more than once, well... I need you to understand that it's a big deal.

I want and NEED to be loved. I want that and I deserve it. Do not take me for granted or hurt me. Once the blind loyalty melts me to tears, only love can bring me back.

Don't tell me what you did for me last week, last month, or last year. Show me, today, why I am worth fighting for. Or don't expect me to fight for you.

In my mind, this seems only fair. If you disagree, I apologize, but I will never change. I used to be a people pleaser. Until I lost so much of myself that I became invisible. I will never do that again.

Today, right here and now, my heart is hiding behind a brick wall. I thought that was enough to protect it. I was wrong. The wall keeps me from giving it away easily, but it still feels pain just as if I were wearing it in my sleeve.

This is what I know today to be true. For now, will have to be enough.

I really need some sleep..~

I should be sleeping.

I should be sleeping right now. I worked last night and I have a date at 6:00. Peter and I are going to the movies before I go to work. :-)

When Alex was in high school, we tried to go out once a week. It was a time just for us. It didn't matter what we did, or where we went. It was about mom making a regular time just for him.

Pete is 15 and spent the last year of his life barely speaking at home. I have watched him blossom this summer- going from an introverted Freshman trying to find his place in life to a more confident young man moving forward. He is handsome and smart and very shy. A foreign concept for me, that's for sure. LOL

We both love movies, and the second run theater is at the other end of town. This gives ample opportunity to talk with mom in the car if he chooses to, but there is no pressure, just going to see a show. Us moms are sneaky like that. Lol

I should be sleeping right now because I am still recovering from the whirlwind of change swirling through my life lately. Did you know that I have lost weight? Saturday morning I realized I hadn't eaten since Thursday night at work. I simply forgot to eat all day on Friday! Wow. In all my life I have never forgotten to eat! Sure, I've missed a meal when I was so lost in my art that hunger was not on my radar. But I have never gone a day and a half before I realized I hadn't eaten!

Is this satisfaction? Fulfillment? Happiness? I look better and feel better than I have in a long time. I was already working on getting healthier, but I now have someone reminding me to slow down and take care of myself. It's nice. :-)

I should be sleeping.

Perhaps I will Just rest a bit before I have to get ready...

Reverberating

So after a wild ride, the after effects of last week are still reverberating in my spirit.

Contemplating everything that happened, I still feel like it was a dream. It all played out like a typical dream you have when you go to sleep after a busy day.

The setting and characters keep changing, and it makes no sense how you got from here to there to there. Each day had a totally different theme, having nothing to with the day before. It's a lot to process.

The week began feeling incredibly lonely and really needing my friend to talk to. The one who listens with no judgement and reminds me why I like being alone at the end of the day. That's their job.

Then there was the uninvited information about my ghosts from the past. Like an intruder in the night, it shocked me out of my peaceful sleep and rocked my core.

Next we have the sudden appearance of the man who changed my outlook.

Then on to the friend I didn't know I had...

The batting lineup continued with the realization that I did pretty darn good with my life despite it all.

Enter character number five. Hhmmm... That's a story still unfolding.

It was a lot to take in and it hadn't even gotten crazy yet! I felt like I was awakened in the middle of the night after one of those dreams you think about for a week, wondering what it all meant. I was Wide Awake and hitting concrete, as the song goes.

A few busy nights at work and the weekend started to make sense. Until it didn't. Saturday shook it up all over again in totally different directions and then Sunday and Monday were filled with new surprises I never saw coming from out of left field.

So I sit here today pondering it all, knowing I could never make sense of it enough to share with anyone. But this is my life now. It was a week of "Be careful what you wish for, because it might come true" and then some.

So I have a plan. Caryl would be proud. LOL

I will breathe and stay in the moment and let it unfold a bit more before I make any rash decisions. One day at a time.

Today I will just be me and I will let tomorrow unfold. Perhaps it will start to make sense sooner than later....

~ Back to sleep ~

So much for denial.

I have tried so hard and for so long to put this to rest. I write and I write hoping to someday put enough words out there to write the pain out of my head and my heart.

He's everywhere. I was at the gas station by our old house two weeks ago and I thought the man in front of me was him. My heart started racing and I got incredible anxiety. What would I say? What what he say? He finished paying and turned around and from the front he looked nothing like him. At first I was relieved, but then the reality that I would never ever see him again overwhelmed me with sorrow.

There is a man in Security that really looks like him. Seeing him in the blues with the same stature kills me. For a while that man worked at my resort. It was so hard to show up at a call and run into him when I was so good at avoiding him the rest of the night. The poor guy probably wondered why I barely spoke to him when I talk all the time, to EVERYBODY.

I try to remember what an ass he was before he left. I try to remember all of the people who hate him because they only knew that side of him. I try to remember how hard his kids tried to break us up, and how hard they continued to ruin my life before I moved on. None of it helps.

I didn't even realize I had never dealt with this until I was beginning to heal from the one after him. My mom made a comment when she first met Dean about how much he looked like Keith. Friends asked me why I was marrying Dean and I never really had an answer. I didn't realize until I was fully in the pain from him that I had never let myself REALLY heal from Keith. I just shoved it down, like I always do, and tried to make the life with Dean that Keith and I could never quite figure out.

Recently a friend told me I should go back to my maiden name. I said I haven't been that person in a looong time and I am known by my name in business, etc. I know the truth is that his name is all I have to remind me that he once loved me enough to promise forever, and I will never want to let it go.

I know to the world he was an ass in a dead end job, with two kids that had each seen the inside of a jail cell more than once. I know people at work knew him as a cheating womanizer who pretended he wasn't married and played every game in the book to get the women to feel sorry for him.

But to me he was always that kind man with amazing shoulders and blue eyes that hid a pain so deep, he probably told no one in his life before he opened up to me. To me, he was the only man who put me in a sweet little house in the subdivision with the pool and privacy fence for the dog we got together. She's gone now, too...

He set the standard that I will judge every man against for the rest of my life. For better or worse, all intimacy will be as good as him or not as good as him. All men will be sweet like him while they woo me until they get up and leave in the blink of an for someone better in his eyes. Someone I never even knew was out there, making him happy in his depression that I could never find my way into to lead him out.

After I moved out, his daughter was still living in the house. One morning I left with the last of my things and I told him I left the key with Rachel. That very night he moved "her" into MY bedroom.

Four months later the divorce was final and they were married on one of those stupid cutesy dates like 8-8-08. I know this because I had to search him to forward some papers, and I accidentally found their wedding website. "She" had the big fancy dress that I never got and "she" is sitting in a Queen's throne as he is down on one knee, in a tux, holding her hand like Prince Charming. It tore my heart out. I was supposed to be the Queen.

Three months after their wedding, he quit his job and let "her" move him away to the North. He always told me he hated it there. He froze to death when we went to Chicago because in the Air Force he spent a long time in Iceland and he had once drank too much to find his way in the blizzard. When they found him he had hypothermia. He was always freezing cold as soon as it hit 60* Now he lives in Canada with "her." And every time anyone mentions the Air Force I have to choke back all of the memories he shared with me about that 20 year career.

Right after they left, Rachel was still sending him checks for the mortgage, but he apparently wasn't paying it. After she had poured thousands into fixing the place up with her boyfriend, she found out that her own father let the house foreclose out from under her. She finally saw the man I had to see after he hurt me so deeply. I wanted to think she got what she deserved, but I could only feel sorry that her knight in shining armor had finally tarnished in her eyes. I had felt that pain, too.

The house was sold on auction and the bank that held the second mortgage bought it for $100. It seemed like a slap in the face that our years together and our life in that house was worth so little. New people live there now, and they have painted the shutters and trim a different color. It helps a little when I have to drive past it every time I go to see mom. I do still look at it, though, and see the yard where my kids ran with the dogs and played with their friends. The deck that was a screen room where we had our wedding. The beautiful wooden deck was the only part that survived after hurricane Jeanne. Our "Miracle Roof."

After he left I tried to put my life back together. I got a new job, re-arranged the house with the kids, even got on graveyard. Anything to make my life seem nothing like it had been. It worked for a while. Today I can look back and see that two of my very best friends came from that time in my life.

I dated a lot in the first year or so. Then I dated one person steady for awhile, but it wasn't what I was looking for after all. Right after that I got with Dean, and we all know how that worked out.

I did some rebound dating after we moved last year. That did a good job in teaching me more about myself. So, I took a break and really focused on some time to heal. It's been a year and I have grown. Mostly, I have realized that no one will ever get how truly genuine and open my heart is. Unfortunately, I'm so good at the happy act I've perfected since I was fifteen, that everyone notices the fun girl with the big laugh and great energy that walks in the room before she does (or so I've been told), but no one has ever REALLY stopped long enough to see the scars, the pain, the sorrow behind the mask.

My heart is locked up in a vault with chains wrapped all around it. I have pain that hits me like a front end collision when I least expect it. And only some of it is from him.

I get so angry when people think they know me, or they understand me, or they think they get what it's about. Sure, I may seem like an open book because I'm not afraid to be outgoing and talk about stuff. But there is plenty that I keep hidden, too.

I might make snap judgements or mistakenly read people's comments to me after a few drinks, but I'm so much more than anyone has ever really SEEN.

Inside this body is a young girl aching to feel she is worthy of love. ~ ~ ~

Still pretending

So I have been thinking a lot about what my "therapist" said. I know she's right. Crap I hate that. When someone tells your truth. You already knew it, but it was easy to lie to yourself or just ignore it, until someone looks you in the eye and says it back to you. Then it becomes real and you can't hide from it anymore.

Most days I LOVE being alone. No one to answer to, no one checking up on me at inopportune times. I am free.

Sometimes, though, it is so overwhelmingly lonely. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone hold me and ask me how my day was. Someone who could love me as I am and not be afraid of my strength and my energy. Someone who won't run away when they are freaked out once they realize how intelligent I am.

My therapist tells me I am settling for less than I deserve because I don't believe I deserve more. I know she's right. But after so much heartbreak, it IS hard to believe there is something better, and that I actually deserve it.

Do I want to be in love with someone who can never give me what I need? Of course not. I was never supposed to fall in love. That was not part of the plan. But we can't help who we fall in love with.

One thing is for sure. Wherever we end up along our paths, no one ever has, or ever will, love him so completely for everything he is the way I have...

Too bad that means absolutely nothing. ::Sigh::

Too bad my bubbly effervescence and intelligent wit are lost on anyone who might actually be emotionally available.

Ugh. I give up. I'm going back to dreaming about my RV. I'm going back to all of the Art I've been working on and never seem to finish. I'm going back behind my wall where I can't keep getting hurt. It's less painful that way.

Can't shake it

I've been sick since Tuesday and it came in rather suddenly. By Thursday I was medicated, and my head has been in the clouds ever since.

I did get to speak with my dear friend on Friday. It was a wonderful time, as it always is, but we inadvertently landed in some emotional terrain. I was moved to be let in on such a private moment. I had seen this side a few times before, but this was different. It went deeper and it lingered.

Once the topic changed, there was another comment made that has stuck with me all weekend. This person joked about being "useless". Sure, they were laughing and throwing it around casually, but it haunts me.

That is a word that would never even enter my consciousness when thinking about this person. Quite the opposite, in fact. This is one man who understands what it is to "Man Up" and be everything a man is supposed to be.

He is intelligent, charming, responsible, kind, honest, has integrity and backbone, keeps his commitments, treats women with respect... The list goes on for days. He has a college education and has built a career, never losing who he really is.

If you can't tell by now, I have tremendous love and respect for this friend. So, yes, that use of the term useless really bothered me. Not only has our friendship added significant value to my experience on this planet, but he has single-handedly had the biggest effect on my personal growth and change through the last few years. Surely, there is nothing useless about that.

Anyway, it's just been on my mind a lot this weekend. Partly because I have been stuck at home getting through my illness, and partly because I realized Friday that I haven't shut up and listened enough where he is concerned. Yeah, there's a surprise, right?

Patiently he sits with me week after week, letting me go on about all my useless nonsense, laughing with me, and taking all of my crap. His reminders not to get hung up on little things frequently fall on deaf ears.

But every now and again I slow down. Whether by choice or circumstances, I do eventually slow down. And I see. I see everything laid out before me like the gift that it is: our past, our present, and our memories.

This friend is such an amazing gift in my life. I will definitely have to work harder at showing him the respect he has earned and deserves...

Thank you for loving me anyway ~

I never learn

I am 42 years old and sometimes I still refuse to see what is right in front of my face. My closest friends are laughing right now.

I should have my woman card revoked. Seriously. I have disregarded the number one rule of understanding men:

1. When he shows you who he really is PAY ATTENTION! It will never change.

False promises, broken plans, telling me what I want to hear only after copious amounts of alcohol, or when I am safely engaged to someone else.

And yet, I still go back and let myself get too close. Each time I fall harder because we have more history, more memories. How many times can one heart break?

I'm so tired of being in this place. It only gets harder each time. I guess it's time to get my head straight. Here's hoping my heart gets the message.

It is what it is. Nothing more. Never has been, never will be.

Maybe *that* should be my first tattoo.

Patience

Anyone that knows me and actually "gets me" has to have a LOT of patience. LOL

I have said more than once that I am a Work in Progress and I hope I am never finished. I think this is a good thing. I am open-minded, always willing to learn and grow, try new things, experiment, and continually learn more about myself.

On the other hand, I can over-analyze, question myself and everyone around me, and my growth has included a few life lessons that have left me afraid to trust anyone. Unfortunately, this can include a few people who have proven themselves to me time and time again over the years.

"Don't make it more than it is, but don't discount *what* it is." Those words were said before. Last time they stuck with me for awhile. Now, they are stuck for good.

Sometimes, in an effort to make someone see the pain they have caused you, you cause them pain as well. I would NEVER intentionally hurt anyone, certainly not someone I care deeply for. Nevertheless, along with my growth in understanding myself, I seem to improve my capacity to inadvertently hurt the ones I love the most.

The bottom line always goes back to my trust issues. No matter how much I improve my self-esteem and learn to love, appreciate, and trust myself, I just have a really hard time believing in others. I didn't realize how bad this was still affecting the great life I have finally built for myself.

Last night I realized that I was hurting the one relationship I have ever experienced that has been based on honesty and trust since day one because I can't believe there is actually someone out there that cares if they hurt me.

I vowed the rest of my life to men who had no problem throwing me away like yesterday's trash. All the love, memories, and promises meant nothing when they walked out without shedding a tear or looking back at the shattered life they left behind.

Is it any wonder I was subconsciously waiting for this person to let me down? I realize now that I knew how much they cared about me, how much they love me, but I have been in that place before and it always ended badly...

As I sat at a table talking painstakingly honestly with one of the best friends I've ever had... I realized that I had, indeed, finally found someone "strong enough to be my man" as Sheryl Crow sings. Except in the song she is so desperate for someone strong she sings: "lie to me, I promise, I'll believe."

With something like that swimming around in my head, he never had a chance. And that wasn't fair. Because he *is* honest, always has been; and he would never hurt me on purpose.

As I drove home last night listening to my shuffled songs, I heard Arms by Christina Perri and I remembered why I had added it to The Playlist.

She sings:

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go...

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home
*********

Yep, she's got my number, that's for sure. I can't believe that even though someone was still waiting on the other side, that I could be that important to them. I can't believe that driving 160 miles for a drink with me is significant. I can't take a casual trip and get what a big f*cking deal it really was. Because I'm too busy waiting to be thrown away for the next thing that comes along.

Lesson learned. Painful, but put to rest, once and for all.

We're just us.

As it should be...

Wow. Just... Wow.

Every now and again as we flow through our days we serendipitously stumble upon something profound.

Today I ran across a quote that struck a chord so deep in my soul, it solved a problem I didn't realize I had.

In my soul I am an Artist and a Writer.

I write to let all of those words out of my head. I think too much. Frequently the pen is my only escape; my only opportunity to silence the never ending pondering going on between my ears.

Writing sets me free.

I make Art because I *have* to. So many ideas, so many pictures of concepts that I can't express in words. So much to share with the world.

I have been stuck for a long time. The pictures, the concepts, the ideas... All of them lost before I could create with them and for them. I couldn't even imagine how I had been so prolific in the past...

Until this quote:

"The object isn't to create art;
it's to be in a state which makes art inevitable."
~ Robert Henri

Yes! That was it! I was literally stunned.

I got it, loud and clear. The times when I made the most art were the times when I wasn't trying or thinking or wishing or planning. I had simply created a life for myself in which art was inevitable.

The best part is, I am back in that place once more. For the first time since 2007/2008 I am living each day the way I was meant to: free, flowing, and spontaneous.

I have been spending as much time as possible with the people in my life that nurture and support the best of who I am and I can feel the difference.

Finding that quote today was validating. It was eye-opening. It was the string that tied it all together...

~ be in a state which makes art inevitable...

2012 Horoscope

I always find it fun Mid-year to go back and read my yearly horoscope. Since Mark Lerner is a very respectable Astrologist, and frequently spot on, I thought that was a good place to start. Wow! So much truth! Check it out:

********************
Aries 2012
Your quest for radical self-love and self-knowledge continues in 2012. Never has the impetus to know yourself, own your core values (even if it means going against the grain) and possess your truth been more essential. No longer can you deny all that is rare and sensational about you. This is truly your breakout year in which your myriad talents will shine!

And get ready to work your horns off this year, Ram. Although your ruling planet, Mars, will spend the first quarter retrograde in Virgo, it will also push you to focus and finish like never before. The devil is definitely in the details this year. Mars retrogrades less frequently than the other planets, but when it does, you surely feel like someone has slammed on the brakes! But don't panic. Rather, consider this a chance to finally catch up on every loose end and unfinished project that's piled up over the past few years.

With Uranus upping the ante in your stars for another round, the status quo of pre-2010 has been left in the dust forever. And by June, the planet of change, Uranus, makes its way towards an exact square with the planet of death and rebirth, Pluto. The changes you experienced in 2011 were simply the tip of the iceberg! With the onslaught of intense cardinal energies barreling toward a standoff this summer, the potential for one-way change this year is deep and unmistakable. Of course, change can be exhilarating if you release your grip on the past and the specific demands of ego. Getting your own way is practically your divine birthright, but this year you'll have to trust that life sometimes brings you what you need at the expense of what you want.

The eclipse patterns of 2012 continue to speed up change in the realms of teaching, education, publishing and travel. If you have any issues with siblings or other close relatives, this could also come into play during the next 12 months as a result of this year's eclipses. On the upside, however, Jupiter will continue to boost your finances until it moves into Gemini in June. November's total solar eclipse in Scorpio in your eighth house of life force, sex and resourcefulness promises to bring sexy back. This eclipse pattern will also reveal any latent interests in psychology or metaphysics, and could also bring money issues to the forefront.

*****************
Yep. That's this year so far!

~ Happy Second Half!

Cant stop writing today

So much on my mind and I feel like I have to let it out. Maybe then I can stop thinking. Thinking makes me crazy sometimes.

I just don't understand why Fridays have been so perfect, but all of the others leave me questioning everything.

The dance is in full swing again. I used to think it was a roller coaster, with all of its ups and downs. Recently, though, I realized it was more like a dance between us.

He moves in, I move toward him, then we both step back. Or I move in, he steps back, he moves in, I step back. Definitely a waltz, with my emotions hanging in the balance.

When I love someone, I love fully and without reservation. I have paid for this in the past, but it is simply who I am. I take people as they are. I expect nothing less than the same.

It is rare to find someone that really takes the time to KNOW me. When someone does, it scares the hell out of me. There is a part of me that is always waiting for them to uncover the one thing that will scare them away.

For some, it was my constant need for growth and change. For others, it was my strength they couldn't handle. Still others were intimidated by my propensity to jump in with both feet and deal with the consequences later.

I have been called Wishy-Washy. This bothered me so much until Bonnie explained that I am not. She called it right when she said I am not afraid to try new things, but I am also not afraid to change course when I realize that decision didn't work for me. She said its actually a strength, and the person who called me Wishy-Washy doesn't understand because they are too paralyzed by fear to take ANY action. She sure saw the dynamics of that relationship.

I have been called Emotional. I have plenty to say about that. For starters, it one of the things that makes me who I am. I am deeply empathetic. When I connect with someone, I literally feel their feelings. Only other empaths truly understand this and get the complexities of living with it. It is as big of a curse as it is a gift. Don't most "gifts" people have frequently feel like a curse when they feel powerless to control it?

I have literally had to teach myself how to protect my emotional energy from being drained by negative people. In fact, I was just talking to someone this weekend about a new technique I have mastered for not taking on another's negative energy when they catch me off guard, as this person often does.

No, I don't think being emotionally connected is a bad thing. It makes me a better listener, and it has helped me reach people at the soul level when they come to me for guidance.

Lastly, it makes me a woman. DUH!

The one that surprised me the most was the person who was intimidated by my intelligence. That one really hurt. In fact, I have realized lately, that I tend to hide behind my exuberance for life in order to be less intimidating. I have literally "dumbed myself down" around people without realizing it so as not to scare them away.

I hadn't even realized this had happened until I had an altercation with someone at work and I realized they thought I was truly stupid. Ultimately it was their own narcissistic personality that made them think everyone around them hadn't a clue. (And, to this day, they are totally unaware that EVERYONE who interacts with them thinks they are a complete moron. LOL) But it made me re-assess nonetheless.

I lost what was then the love of my life because he couldn't handle my intelligence and strength. The final straw was when my kids were still young and THEY were intimidating to him with their easy A's and gifted programs. I didn't believe it at first, but several of his friends told me this on separate occasions after he dumped me for his young blonde. Go figure.

So I look back at what I have written thus far and I realize it's no surprise that I have locked up my heart behind a brick wall. Some days it feels as if I will be alone for the rest of my life. Most of the time that doesn't bother me. After all, freedom is precious.

But let's cut the bullsh*t and get real. Humans have a need to be loved and wanted and held sometimes. A life of freedom is fine until I wonder if anyone will ever just hold me ever again. Will anyone ever want to KNOW me without constantly pushing me away? Will I always be driving home alone on a dark road to an empty bed with no arms to comfort me after a long, emotional week?

I don't *need* to be in a relationship to validate my existence. I've grown so far beyond that. But I would like to feel that someone will someday just want to be there for me with human contact when I need it. Arms to hold me, fingers to run through my hair as they tell me they are not going anywhere, and tomorrow will be better.

Someone who will understand that just because they have truly become my very best friend and the real love of my life, that I wouldn't change a thing between us. It's perfect just the way it is.

Now, if I could only learn to dance!

I Am Awesome Because:

1. I am ME. I am REAL. Always.

2. I truly LOVE people. All of them!

3. I am fun, funny, outgoing, and light-hearted most of the time.

4. I think for myself.

5. I dream BIG.

6. I live out loud, and jump in with both feet!

7. I love fully and without reservation.

8. I am loyal. (Sometimes to a fault!)

9. I am quirky and I embrace my inner Wacky and wear it proudly, for all the world to see. :-)

10. I am not afraid to fail.

11. I am not afraid to admit I am wrong when I really believe it.

12. People love me so much, they Marry me! LOL

13. My kids think I am the coolest Mom EVER, and their friends do, too!

14. Most days it doesn't bother me that a lot of people don't know how smart I really am.

15. I am really simple AND quite complex.

She's Just Jodi
and she likes to make stuff...