Patience

Anyone that knows me and actually "gets me" has to have a LOT of patience. LOL

I have said more than once that I am a Work in Progress and I hope I am never finished. I think this is a good thing. I am open-minded, always willing to learn and grow, try new things, experiment, and continually learn more about myself.

On the other hand, I can over-analyze, question myself and everyone around me, and my growth has included a few life lessons that have left me afraid to trust anyone. Unfortunately, this can include a few people who have proven themselves to me time and time again over the years.

"Don't make it more than it is, but don't discount *what* it is." Those words were said before. Last time they stuck with me for awhile. Now, they are stuck for good.

Sometimes, in an effort to make someone see the pain they have caused you, you cause them pain as well. I would NEVER intentionally hurt anyone, certainly not someone I care deeply for. Nevertheless, along with my growth in understanding myself, I seem to improve my capacity to inadvertently hurt the ones I love the most.

The bottom line always goes back to my trust issues. No matter how much I improve my self-esteem and learn to love, appreciate, and trust myself, I just have a really hard time believing in others. I didn't realize how bad this was still affecting the great life I have finally built for myself.

Last night I realized that I was hurting the one relationship I have ever experienced that has been based on honesty and trust since day one because I can't believe there is actually someone out there that cares if they hurt me.

I vowed the rest of my life to men who had no problem throwing me away like yesterday's trash. All the love, memories, and promises meant nothing when they walked out without shedding a tear or looking back at the shattered life they left behind.

Is it any wonder I was subconsciously waiting for this person to let me down? I realize now that I knew how much they cared about me, how much they love me, but I have been in that place before and it always ended badly...

As I sat at a table talking painstakingly honestly with one of the best friends I've ever had... I realized that I had, indeed, finally found someone "strong enough to be my man" as Sheryl Crow sings. Except in the song she is so desperate for someone strong she sings: "lie to me, I promise, I'll believe."

With something like that swimming around in my head, he never had a chance. And that wasn't fair. Because he *is* honest, always has been; and he would never hurt me on purpose.

As I drove home last night listening to my shuffled songs, I heard Arms by Christina Perri and I remembered why I had added it to The Playlist.

She sings:

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go...

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home
*********

Yep, she's got my number, that's for sure. I can't believe that even though someone was still waiting on the other side, that I could be that important to them. I can't believe that driving 160 miles for a drink with me is significant. I can't take a casual trip and get what a big f*cking deal it really was. Because I'm too busy waiting to be thrown away for the next thing that comes along.

Lesson learned. Painful, but put to rest, once and for all.

We're just us.

As it should be...