All In...

I have started writing this post three times. Perhaps this time I will finish it...


It is very important to me that I am honest with myself. Part of blogging is an exercise in putting it out there so that I can't hide from it. And, the more I get honest with myself, the easier it is to keep making forward progress.


Like this morning... 
I woke up in a new place today. I was keenly aware that I had passed a personal milestone and I was now on a journey in unfamiliar territory. I also realized that if things kept moving forward I would have to share things I had not thought about having to share with anyone yet. I felt vulnerable. It's a scary place to be for someone who is used to being strong and in charge.


On my journey home I let myself think long and hard about this vulnerability. I was scared to think about sharing things that make me look weak. Or sharing things that made me look less beautiful when I have enough trouble feeling that in the first place. (insert breakdown here...)


I also realize that much of my insecurity is a by-product of an age difference that is unfamiliar to me. I have never been the older one. The one further down the road of creaky knees, bifocal lenses, and crow's feet. I have always been the younger, better-looking one in the relationship. And, despite the fact that I was blissfully unaware of it on a conscious level, I realize now that there was a definite measure of security in that. I was the one reassuring the other that I was all in, knowing full well what the future could hold based on their age, or their health concerns.


Here I am now facing feelings I have never had to deal with before. Insecurities and vulnerabilities that were simply not relevant to my situation, but are glaringly real to me now like neon signs in the night sky. I look at this beautiful younger admirer and realize that he can have anyone, and it makes me look twice in the mirror. Of course, conversations about personal preferences probably haven't helped my confidence in this role of playing the older one, either.


But I am smart enough to know that I will never make progress if I hide from my vulnerabilities. And I have never been one to back down just because the journey gets a little scary... In fact, the challenges are what keeps me going- pushing forward, come what may, to the sunshine after the rain. Isn't that my modus operandi?


So, as I sit here pondering the future before me, I realize that I have to put my insecurities on the back burner. For I have never been one to do anything halfway, and I am not about to start now. I am still that woman who jumps in with both feet, living life to the fullest in each moment and grabbing happiness today with no regard to what pain may come tomorrow. For what is gained if we avoid living for the fear of an unhappy ending?


And in that vein, there is really only one thing left to do:


Ready or not, here I go...


All In~

Irony

Life is a journey of ironic events strung out across a path of absurdity.

We are always looking for something new to give us what we already had.

In the search for meaning, we don't get what it means...

In the hope of joy, we miss the joy that was already there....

And in the moment of true awareness and possibility, our eyes are closed by our previous experiences and expectations.

Perhaps Truth would not elude us if we slowed down long enough to fully feel our present reality. Maybe life really is all that we ever wanted, but we don't stay in one place long enough for it to show us.

Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living."

Perhaps a bit more examining is in order...

Turning 40...

So, I'm turning 40 in two months and I have been doing a lot of thinking about this milestone...


It is so true that when you reach "a certain age" you look at the world differently and you think about your life differently. I have been looking at my life and what I think is important and I see the change that has taken place in my soul over the last few years. So much is different now.


Most of all, my hopes and dreams have changed. My priorities have changed. My love has changed. I understand so many things I never understood before.


This has pretty much been all for the best, but I do find I don't have patience for some of the people in my life that are not where I am. While I understand that it is purely their youth and naivete that makes them so foolish, I can't help but be really irritated when they don't get what really matters. However, I do realize that this is my problem and not theirs. They will find their own wisdom in time... So I slowly fade into my own world and gradually loosen the ties that bind us emotionally.


Right now I am very busy with school. This has been my lifelong dream and with each class, each semester, I get closer to my goal. Some of my friends don't understand my time crunch or my limits and they think I am forgetting them, or leaving them behind. That couldn't be further from the truth. I have very few people in my life who have been with me through my journey in the most important ways. They will always mean the world to me and will never be far from my heart. But this is my time, and I have to grab it and run with everything that I have.


And I am...