Watching the Wheels

  

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin,
When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange,
Surely your not happy now you no longer play the game,

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away,
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me,
When I tell that I'm doing Fine watching shadows on the wall,
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball?

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go,

People asking questions lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there's no problem,
Only solutions,
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,
I tell them there's no hurry...
I'm just sitting here doing time,

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go.

- John Lennon

When you're not looking...

...there it is.

I had a crazy week, and it ended in such a surprise that I am truly taken aback. I went on a date that was nothing like I had imagined it would be. Hhmmm....

Plenty to think about. It was ironic that he wondered if I had someone at home and that I might be playing games. That thought had never occurred to me before. Ha ha! I'm so used to being played, it never entered my mind that a man would be worried I was playing him. Imagine that...

Island man is definitely getting a second date. There is so much there to explore and learn from. I look forward to the process. I look forward to getting to know more about this man that has done so many things, and experienced things I never thought about before.

I can see he has arrived at a time when I am ready to learn the lessons he has to teach me. My soul feels peace about this.

It has nothing to do with dating, or relationships. It's the kind of feeling I had when Michael found me. I wish I hadn't lost him. Perhaps I should revive the search. Sherri was the only one who ever met him.

I always felt like we were supposed to have a deeper connection, but we could never seem to get there. Now I understand that I was not spiritually mature enough yet. How I miss those days of talking in his kitchen while he cooked for us. Or discussing Art while he was up on a ladder under the orange trees and I was below with the bag.

I guess I am feeling that Spirit has sent me another Island man to learn the next lesson, and I am so grateful.

The amazing thing is that I know it affected him, too. :-)

I'm Still Here and I'm Still Me. :-)

Good Morning!


It is a gorgeous day in Central Florida! So beautiful, in fact, that you would never guess that we might have a hurricane here by Thursday or Friday:

I'm not worried, of course. I lived here in 2004 when we had Charlie, Frances, and Jeanne. UGH. I will simply stock up on water and canned goods in case the power is out for an extended length of time if it comes through here. 


I am really glad to live in Lakeland where we have our own power company. It's a much shorter wait to get the lights back on than when we lived out in the county on the far edge of TECO's coverage. I also live in a giant cement building and we have city water now, instead of a septic system. Amen!


I am something of a storm junkie. I love weather systems. It's exciting to watch the radars and see what's coming and how far it extends across the state before it's over. I should have been a meteorologist. LOL


And our skies... The Florida skies are just gorgeous when the rain moves in. The Northern skies were just plain gray. Blah. We get all kinds of amazing sky here. 


Enough about the weather. In other news, my life is going really well. Cassidy left yesterday with Jessica and they got to Ohio in the middle of the night, all safe and sound. Tomorrow she will drive to Alex at school in Indiana to drop off his boxes, then finish the trip to Illinois. 


Now it is just the three of us. Maddie has already made the apartment look great! We have all kinds of room in our bedroom and our closet now, too. LOL 


Last week's work on the art studio in the dining room has really paid off, too. I have been working on three or four projects throughout the week, doing a little more here and there and "Arting every day." It is so good for my spirit. I am sleeping better, and feeling more balanced. Creating is just so good for my soul...


Speaking of Soul... One of my dreams is to take off on a journey once the kids are out of the house. I want to dye my hair pink, hop in my RV with Annie and take off on the ultimate journey of freedom. I even have my outfit all planned for the day I drive away. :-) I will sell my Art and do freelance writing to support myself, my dog, and my lifestyle.


I plan on selling everything I have left by then and having my mobile house totally paid for before I leave. That way my bills will only be insurance, maintenance, cell & internet, gas and living expenses. I am also willing to do Workamping to make it happen. The plan is to try it for one year. Just 365 days with no one making demands on my who, what, where, and when. I also love the idea of having no permanent address. Wherever I am will be home.


After I fulfill my 365 mission, I will decide if I want to put down roots. That will be a well-informed decision after finally seeing so many parts of the country. I may be surprised at where I end up, but I suspect it will not be Florida. I do love it here, but it makes me crazy that the first 5 hours of any road trip is just getting out of this state! :-P


Yep, I have plenty more research to do. I was all set on a midsize Class C with a bicycle ntil I looked at the Airstreams. Now I have to find a vehicle that wold tow it and still feel like a "Jodi" car. That's a challenge, for sure!


I'm off to do more dreaming... Have a great day!


wandering~

Life

Today I was moody and irritated and even kind of sad. Tonight I am simply filled with thoughts...


Thoughts about my present, my past, and my future. How did I get here? What am I supposed to learn from it all? What am I afraid of? What is my soul searching for?


Will tomorrow be easier?


Will I ever feel normal again? Or is this my new normal?


I don't want to see anyone or do anything. I have only one wish. But life is circling and showing me everything except what I need to know. 


Perhaps I'll just go meditate...


confused~

Catching Up With Life

Well, my life has changed radically in a short amount of time... Yesterday I gave up all hope of sleep to sit in a car dealer for most of the day. In the end, my daughter drove off in her first car, so it was well worth it! I have my life back again. :-)


No more rushing home to let her drive my car to work. No more squeezing in errands here and there and being woefully stressed when she leaves and I realize I have forgotten something at the store, or didn't get to the bank during lobby hours. My life is my own once more.


In other news, my spirit has been doing some deep healing. My wildly varied dreams are showing me upon awakening that I have some long held issues that are still not resolved. I am resigned to the fact that I will need to use my new found freedom to make appointments with Darryl once more. It is becoming apparent that I may need some assistance dispelling these reminders of my past for good.


I once held a love in my heart so deeply that recent events have reminded me yet again I need to heal once and for all if I am ever going to move forward in peace. I woke up this morning feeling my last dream so acutely that I had to remind myself that several years have gone by and I should not be holding onto this anymore...


I think I let the anger hide the pain in an effort to keep progressing toward a better life for myself. I do believe I let other people's distaste for that person convince me that I harbored disgust and was fooled by them. But, as usual, the truth will always float back into one's awareness reminding you of hurts not healed and lies not admitted to.


One thing I have learned about myself in these past five years is that I am incredibly good at lying to myself. It is rather ironic that I hold honesty in such high regard where other people are concerned, but I am such a master at lying to myself. It is high time to admit that I still wonder what happened to the only true love of my life. Is he happy? Is he safe? Are they still together? I could certainly find out, but I have concluded that would not be wise. Let sleeping dogs lie...


Back to the present- Alex leaves Thursday to go back to Indiana and he has made it very clear that he may not return except for short holiday visits. Today may be the last time I play with my kids before they are scattered across the country living adult lives and adding new people to our family circle. We are going to Disney to play in the parks and make memories we will hold in our hearts forever.


So, today I will cherish time with my amazing kids. We will laugh and play and act crazy like we always do when we are together, and people will smile when they see us. It will be a day we hold in our hearts when we miss each other and need a reminder of how close we really are.


Everything else will wait for tomorrow. The bills, the chores, the goals, the responsibilities. Today is for fun and love and laughter...


Remembering what really matters~

Ah, life. What a funny thing it is when we think we understand life and what it is trying to teach us. We plan, we expect, we think we have it all figured out. And then we wake up.


I am on a mini vacation from work and my life this weekend, and it has been very awakening for my soul. I see so many things more clearly now after taking a step back and reassessing. I am deeply moved to make Art when I return home. There is a new purpose within me to follow my instincts and move further along my path toward the next great adventure. 


In recent weeks I was looking in one direction, not seeing the other paths laid out before me like rays surrounding the sun 360* in every direction. Today I am filled with wanderlust and a desire for another road trip. Perhaps tomorrow I will meander to a new locale and hang out in new surroundings before heading home.


When I planned this weekend, I had a certain mindset for what it was going to be like. From the beginning, I found out it was not going to be what I expected at all. At first I had to process the change. It seemed too drastic and sudden. It seemed I had relied too much on my previous experiences and thought patterns to make sense of where I was at. But each day the Universe teaches me that I have so much more to learn before settling in one place with my Spirit. 


Today, after sleeping well, and waking up with my coffee, I am looking at my life with fresh eyes and seeing what should have been so obvious before. I am not ready to be "set" yet. I am too fluid and my desires are still changing from one day to the next as I learn more about myself and where I am going with my life.


I feel today that there is a great new adventure before me. It is not about my family, my job, or anyone special in my life. It is about my Spirit, and my Art, and my personal path to fulfillment. It is a very clear and gently paved path with trees on either side and bright sunlight shining through the branches onto the road. I shall follow along while my guides lead me to that magical place where my muse can speak serenely to my soul and prompt me to create the the stories that beg to be released in pictures and in words. 


I will create and I will write and I will paint and I will sew and I will bring wildly delightful creations to life with all of my talents. I will share these creations with the world and my heart and soul will be satisfied from doing what I was meant to do. 


Whatever else happens along the way with life and relationships and responsibilities will be secondary to it all. For I will be feeding my Spirit and that is all that life requires...


Musing~

Learning Every Day

When I left work last Sunday, I thought I wouldn't have another night as challenging as that one for a long time. I was wrong. While I may not have had another drastic first response situation, this weekend has brought it's own difficult challenges at work. I have left each morning feeling drained and emotionally depleted. Yesterday I was so down by the time I got home, I was still feeling it last night. 


I was surprised how the feelings overwhelmed me and I was taken to a place in my mind and in my spirit that I had not been in a long time. My confidence was shaken and I was truly feeling lost. It made me mad, frustrated, and confused. Where was my usual attitude? How could I get back to that place where I was elated to have another day and my confidence was high? 


It seems almost everyone I know has had challenges this week at some point with their emotions and their own life struggles. Perhaps I was not the only one feeling the effects of this Cancer Moon. Last night brought more bizarre situations at work, but we all pulled together and leaned on each other. I strengthened my alliances with the people who matter to me and I got a better perspective. This morning I literally felt things moving in a different direction and right now I am coming into alignment.


I have slept well today and I woke on my own without an alarm. The kids just went out and as I sit here in my quiet home I am at peace. It is okay that I had a few days of not feeling superhuman. It is alright that I allowed myself to not stuff everything and pretend I was fine this time. I am still the same person even though I let myself feel things more deeply and personally this time. 


Sometimes going to a new place on your life's journey will bring up memories from other attempts to find your way. These memories can haunt you and remind you of mistakes you don't care to repeat. But that doesn't mean you should hide from your life and live in fear of being hurt yet again. These memories are there to serve you and remind you that happiness comes in many packages. We simply need to find the courage to open the gift.


I was speaking to some old friends who were at work this weekend and I was reminded of another time and another place. I said to one of them "That was my favorite mistake." And as I thought back to that time, I remembered the joy and the love in my life. I remembered how good it felt to trust myself and follow my heart. Sure, I knew it wouldn't be easy, and in the end, there was a lot of pain. But I live my life with no regrets, and I would certainly make the same choices if I had that one to do over again. I had deep love like never before or since, I had tremendous growth as a woman and a mother during that time, and I would never give up the years of happiness for the comparatively short amount of pain in the ending.


Today I am wiser. Today I am a culmination of all of my life's lessons and feelings and challenges. Today I am whoever I am supposed to be in this time and place. 


I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and continue on this path. Because no matter how scary it may be, I am not willing to miss out on even one moment of happiness that may be waiting for me just a few steps further down the way...


Trusting~

Thank Goddess It's Over

Friday was yet another crappy night during this emotional Cancer Moon... This season is already taking it's toll on my Spirit, and it is only half over.

I drove home half asleep and went to pick up some groceries for my week. By the time I left the store, I knew exactly what song I wanted to hear.

This is a song that reminds me of what I want.

I have everything I need. My life is going really well and I am happy again. I don't need anything except time to nurture my spiritual life. But, like every other human being being on the planet, I want to spend time with someone who wants to hold me close and just be... Someone who desires me and wants to share their thoughts and feelings with me. Don't we all wish we could let go just a little bit and trust that we can find love again?

I like this song because it reminds me that it is out there, and someday it will find me...

Hope~

Stream of Consciousness...

So many things swirling in my head today. Trying to make sense of it all... It was a weekend filled with sleep, time for myself, and time with the one person I wanted to see. It was a good weekend filled with laughter, peace, progress, music and movies. I saw things I had been waiting to see, and heard things I had been waiting to hear. I made mistakes, I learned lessons, and I made progress within myself. 

Today has been a lazy day taking one moment at a time to think, read, meditate, sleep, and just be. The weekend's turmoil is still haunting me much more than I realized and I am working to assimilate the emotions into my consciousness... My dreams have been expressing to my psyche what I am hiding beneath the surface. Vivid dreams that feel so real, I am grateful to wake up and find that I didn't really make those choices... Things I want and need are just out of my grasp and I am not sure how to fit it all together. 

Today's planetary alignments are telling me to stay within and leave others to their own devices. This is a time to leave my usual Aries fiery attitude and impulsivity at the door and play by the rules. In a few days things will be back to normal and I have great changes on the horizon. Goals accomplished, rewards for my efforts... Next week will be about reaping what I have sown. Today is for patience and pondering.

Colors, threads, fabrics, beads are all calling to me today. I am working on an old project I uncovered recently. It is time for her to see the light of day and show me what she desires to be. This faceless, half painted beauty has decided that now is her time and we shall play together until we find what we are feeling has properly materialized. It seems fitting since she was begun long before, the last time I was in this cycle. 

Perhaps she has arrived now to lead me in a new direction...

feeling the day...~

Seriously behind...

Well, I have been out living my great life and I got behind on my blogging. Sure, I did send some recent posts through my iPhone email from work, but it's not the same as writing on my laptop. There is something about the full blogging experience with my keyboard in my lap while I am relaxing and letting my mind wander on subjects to write about.


I have still been journaling like crazy, though. I do feel I am at my highest expression of myself when I am writing regularly. It feeds my spirit in so many ways. The thoughts ebb and flow and take on a life of their own until I simply must let them out onto the paper to make sense of it all. Looking back over the weeks and months of writing helps me stay focused on my growth, as well. 


Speaking of growth, I am really proud of myself. It feels really good to be happy when I look in the mirror. I am settled into my new look and more motivated than ever to keep making positive changes in my daily routine. The fast results are just astounding now that I am happy again. I forgot how easy it is to move forward once the blocks are cleared out of the way. The snowball has reached the point of momentum downhill and it's speeding up all the time. 


Yesterday was a particularly good day. I ran around in the morning with Madalin and we got more accomplished than I expected to before Noon. By one o'clock I was the first to arrive at Applebee's for the Wednesday date with mom and Tara and I actually got to catch up a bit before it got too busy. 


From there I made my drive to see the boytoy. I had a great time. Sure, I brought a movie that was NOT at all what I remembered from seeing it 25 years or so ago. LOL But we talked, and we laughed, and it felt like we were really on the same page the whole time. It's really fun now that we have spent enough time together to have our own silly private jokes and stories. I'm looking forward to spending a whole weekend together soon.


I am also really looking forward to work tonight. We have so many fun people working extra shifts to help us with all of the Latin Season craziness. It seems like almost every night I see an old friend I used to work with in Security, or meet someone new with fresh conversation. I am especially proud of how my team steps up their game to meet the demands of our busiest season of the year. I work with some fine people that make me proud to be in the thick of it with them. 


So, yeah, life is good! :-) I think I'll just sit back and enjoy it for a while. I've certainly worked hard enough to get here.


Living~

Clarity, it does a body good!

Happy Thursday, dear readers! Today is the first day of the rest of our lives! LOL

Yes, I'm in a mood today. But it's all good. I think I have gotten more sleep since Tuesday morning than I have in weeks. LOL The beautiful result is that I feel like ME for the first time in years. Truly.

I have been on an amazing path of discovery for the last twelve months and today I feel that so many lessons about who and what I am have brought me to right here, right now. It has been a difficult journey, to say the least. But on this path, I have learned more about myself than I ever dreamed I still needed to learn.

It was hard to face so many truths along the way. It was difficult to get truly honest with myself and finally work through some old issues once and for all... But today I have a clarity and lightness I have never been able to fully realize before this moment.

Ironically, it took me realizing what I DON'T want in order to finally see what I DO want. Go figure. But now that I have made it this far, it can only get better. For this is the woman who took a chance almost four years ago and went to Ale House to eat salad with a genius. This is the girl who chops off her hair on a whim, and makes sweeping changes in an instant because she needs a fresh start. And this is the woman who remembers never to compromise, because I deserve only the best life has to offer.

It's been a wild ride, but I sure have learned a lot. I always said I am a Work in Progress, and I hope I am never finished.

Here's to seeing what tomorrow may bring~

Lovely, lovely words

There is nothing so lovely as simple words flowing along the page freely expressing ideas. The words ebb and flow with a rhythm that sings to my soul. Ideas, musings, poetry, essays- all of it is delicious food for my spirit. I feel the blessings running through me as I write or type my most recent expressions of my soul. Somehow these simple lovely words connect me to a bigger, sweeter part of my existence. If I could truly explain this feeling to others, I would. But alas, the words I love so much cannot describe the very feeling they give me...

It is love and ease and breath all at the same time. It sparks communication and opens me up to my muse. When I am not writing, I am waiting to write again.  And in the spaces between writing and not writing, I am seeing pictures in my mind's eye that must be expressed through my art, because there are no words, only images with deep meaning. Images that begin like a flicker of light when a match is lit in the dark. On and on they flicker and glimmer until they shine so bright, demanding to be released into the world. If only there were time and space enough to let them all out...

Namaste~

My Soul is Tired

That's right. My Soul. If you can relate, it's because your soul is weary, too. There is so much going on in this world today. Too much bombarding us moment by moment. It is not easy to take a step back and go within, but it is vital to feed our soul. The quiet within is the only place we can hear our true nature speaking to us.

It is one thing to know the information of everything around us. But to know what to do about it, or what relationship it has to our personal journey, we must go within for those answers. It would be easy to get caught up in the surface energy of the false paradigms all around us: lies, tryranny, politics, unemployment, financial crisis on the global or the personal level. We have all gotten too caught up in it at one time or another...

But there is a deeper truth that is hurtling us through this reality, and it is vital that we each take the time to go within and find out what that truth is for ourselves. That's what I have been doing and that is why I know my soul is tired. The schedules, the demands on me and my time, the increasing pressures at work, the constant needing is draining me on every level and I am trying to find my way to some peace...

Turning 40...

So, I'm turning 40 in two months and I have been doing a lot of thinking about this milestone...


It is so true that when you reach "a certain age" you look at the world differently and you think about your life differently. I have been looking at my life and what I think is important and I see the change that has taken place in my soul over the last few years. So much is different now.


Most of all, my hopes and dreams have changed. My priorities have changed. My love has changed. I understand so many things I never understood before.


This has pretty much been all for the best, but I do find I don't have patience for some of the people in my life that are not where I am. While I understand that it is purely their youth and naivete that makes them so foolish, I can't help but be really irritated when they don't get what really matters. However, I do realize that this is my problem and not theirs. They will find their own wisdom in time... So I slowly fade into my own world and gradually loosen the ties that bind us emotionally.


Right now I am very busy with school. This has been my lifelong dream and with each class, each semester, I get closer to my goal. Some of my friends don't understand my time crunch or my limits and they think I am forgetting them, or leaving them behind. That couldn't be further from the truth. I have very few people in my life who have been with me through my journey in the most important ways. They will always mean the world to me and will never be far from my heart. But this is my time, and I have to grab it and run with everything that I have.


And I am...

I will...

I will dye my hair hot pink and live in an RV. I will stitch and write and paint and sell my work to support myself. I will travel to Austin, Texas and Santa Fe, New Mexico and meet other artists and free spirits.

I will paint my RV in wild colors and people will watch me roll by and wish they were as free as me...

And I will share with them my secrets.

Jill Bolte Taylor

I watched this video for aan assignment in Psychology and it was such a beautiful story I wanted to share it with everyone.

Synchronicity

November 9, 2009

It seems like everywhere I look, pieces of my destiny are looking back. It's not a complete picture yet, but I can feel a change in the air.

Synchronicity happening more and more frequently... More pieces from my past connecting with my present without an accompanying explanation. It feels like my whole life was leading me to this moment- right here, right now.

And I am preparing. I don't even know what I am preparing for, but I am readying my mind, my spirit, my soul. 

Each day I meet another who feels it too. More and more people are opening up to some kind of fundamental awareness. Like coming out of a deep sleep and not knowing how long you've been out, or what the day ahead of you holds in store.

And my hopes, my dreams, my desires have settled. I am serenely calm and content where I am in this space of learning. I have heard many times "When the Student is ready, the Teacher will come." My Teacher is on the journey toward me, sending messengers ahead to prepare me. When they arrive, all of the dots will be connected... In the meantime, I am opening my heart and my mind. Every hour I am mining more dots around the edge, but the final picture is not in focus yet.

So many things others expect of me now. So many things I "probably should do", but none of it matters. Whatever is coming is bigger than me and I will be used as a tool to uncover it, translate it, or shine a light upon it. This I can feel.

In my classes, the same topics come up in unrelated subjects. Like bells and whistles that only I can hear. Recurrent themes that are only seen from where I sit.

Synchronicity...

I moved here eleven years ago. While I was driving down 75 with my family and our life packed in the truck behind me, we crossed the border and I knew I was called here for a reason. Many years and lessons later I realize that whatever I am here for is right now, in this place, with this wisdom.

I pick up a concept and study it and meditate on it and do a search. It leads me to more... and more... and more... And in the end I am nowhere near anyplace I thought I would be. Doors are unlocked, windows are opened, and the fresh air of truth blows through me...

Why did I have to find this? Why do I need to know that? How does it all fit together- and what does it ultimately mean?

Come, Teacher, show me. 

I am here...