Time to be ME :-)

I read the last few posts and I realized that I haven't given a proper update in a while. I am doing fantastic!

I did have a health scare when I found a lump in my breast in November. It turned out to be a harmless hematoma. However, the process I went through from the time I found the lump until getting clear results was defining in my life. It changed me and the way I think about my life and the world around me, but probably not in the way most people would expect.

I did not have a "get healthy!" epiphany. In fact, I was supposed to stop smoking before that experience happened, and I still haven't. But that is MY decision, and I can't do it for anyone or anything else.

Just after New Year's Day I went away to a hotel for two days to be alone and make some Art. That experience did not go as planned at all, but it also taught me new lessons and brought me through the next threshold of my life's journey.

I got to the perfect room and decided to chill the first night. I went and picked up Chinese Food and began to watch a movie. Then the power went out for the entire hotel! Apparently, a transformer blew from the storms in the area, and they had no ETA for when it would be fixed. Eventually I went to sleep.

I woke up very early in the morning and waited for the breakfast they serve in the sunroom. After breakfast I napped and got up again to start my day. But I never really got started. I had a block, and the longer I sat in that chair watching Lifetime movies, the more guilt I felt for not creating.

I finally did start a painting project, and while each layer was drying, I explored my thoughts and feelings. I realized that I felt guilty and I examined deeper to find the cause. I soon realized that I was walking around with "should's" on my shoulder. You know, that feeling when you do something and the whole time you are thinking "I SHOULD be doing this" or "I should start THAT again."

These things are not real. They come from false messages as you grow and live and learn throughout your life. 

The only thing you truly SHOULD do is LIVE. Live YOUR life the way that is right for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. They SHOULD be worrying about their own path. For theirs is not yours, and yours is not theirs. We have all come here to find our own way. None is wrong and none are right. Everything just is. 

So, I decided to throw away the feeling that I *should* get my design business going again. Then, I decided its ok that I haven't done any of the projects around the house that I *should* have done months ago. And finally... I decided that I SHOULD be ok with the fact that my big plan was to make Art at the hotel, but my Spirit said "Be still, and hear what you need to hear..."

I sound so zen and wise! LOL But it took me a LONG time to get to this point and now that I am here, I need to stay focused. I need to let go of anything that is not serving me in the here and now, and stay plugged in to that "unbelievable clarity" I found through my health scare.  

So that's where I am now. Only my hair is cooler than it was, because once I found out everything was fine I went super short and spikey, and colored it bright auburn. :-) "Lucy! I'm home!" LOL So, I have decided to keep it for a while. It is spiking really cool again and I have gotten more compliments on my hair in the last two months than my whole life previously! All I know is that I felt the need for a drastic change and I am very happy with the results. 

Yes, I really am finally in that place... After all of the deliberate effort to heal from my past and let the future happen tomorrow... I can sit here and honestly say that I am happy, whole, and healthy All By Myself. :-)

~ She's Just Jodi and she's just Fine

Word of The Year 2014

So I realized a week ago that I hadn't picked a word to focus on for 2014. I pick a word each New Year to be the theme that I will use for creating the next step in my life. The word is like a touchstone of sorts to help me stay focused on my dreams for my future as well as what I want in the here and now. 

I thought about the fact that I REALLY want to start the year off focusing on my Art and making it my primary career. I want to get into a regular practice of making Art every day. I want to get my design business going again and really dive into my creative self. 

So... Ladies and Gentlemen, the word of the year for 2014 is...

Create!

Our Society is so Ironic

It is so fascinating to me how our society globs onto one concept forsaking all others. Take "The Cure", for example. 

We want to fine the The Cure for diabetes, The Cure for breast cancer, The Cure for autism. You never hear about a walk to find The Cause.

I think this is a beautiful illustration of our American culture in general. We don't want to actually stop eating and drinking the things that are KNOWN to cause these issues. We just want to make sure we have a cure after the damage is done. 

It has been proven over and over that a healthy diet and regular exercise can prevent so many health issues and "epidemics" in our nation. Even still, our general population will wolf down McDonald's on the way to the movie theater where they will drink soda and eat candy, while sitting sedentary for two hours.

We drink water out of disposable bottles made with BPA, that has been proven to be a direct cause of cancer, especially breast cancer.  There is also the problem of these water bottles finding their way into oceans and landfills, seeping their chemicals into our water and food supply. But do we fight to get rid of the plastic bottles, or at the very least, DEMAND that they are made with safer materials? Of course not. We simply want to champion the cause of a Cure for the ails that they cause.

Now I will admit that I am just as guilty as the next person. Please do not think I am sitting on some high horse, looking down on my society. Rather, I am observing a phenomenon that has been socially engineered into our culture for decades.

The powers that be make a LOT of money off of our ignorance. They sell us the problems, market the reasons these things will make our life better, then sell us the things that will ease our discomfort once the damage is done.

Ultimately though, it is our own ignorance that prevents us from realizing we deserve a better standard if living, and we will not get it until we DEMAND IT. 

~ Just pondering a few random thought over sugar laden coffee filled with chemical powder meant to taste like cream....

People Show you...

I always heard that people show you who they really are during times of crisis. I guess I had never experienced it to this magnitude before.

In the last week I have experienced so many unexpected reactions from so many so called "friends". Some have been exactly what I needed them to be, but too many others have surprised me with their callous behavior. Heck, one of them hasn't even bothered to return my messages to find out what I needed to tell him.

Not knowing if I have a serious health issue and a long, arduous road to recovery in my future, or if this is merely a false alarm- a wake-up call to take better care of myself... This is scary. And it sucks! And friends not being there for me when I need them the most sucks even worse.

I found a lump. A solid mass, the size of a marble. It could be nothing at all. 80% of these are benign. But I have MANY high risk factors that I never knew, and I am scared. And alone. And some people are really letting me down.

Right before this happened, I decided I was done with dating. I tried one last time to put myself out there in an attempt to find companionship. But men still suck, and I am still better off without one. Now, as my friends show their true colors, I am realizing just how often I ignore my own needs in order to take care of everyone else. So, I will just walk through this journey alone.

I am realizing that when it truly matters, I can't count on anyone but myself to be there for me. I am my own best friend. I am strong and smart and funny and really just amazing in so many ways. And if you can't be there for me after I have given so much of myself when everyone else needed me, then just leave me alone. Because I will be busy with the ones that really give a shit.

People show you who they really are during times of hardship.

Same as it ever was...

I was doing such a good job staying in denial... Too bad it couldn't last just a little longer. 

I was finally going to tell Paul today. He never had time for me...

I am spending the weekend with Wes. He took me to dinner and I met his friends that we are going out with all day tomorrow. I had some alone time afterward while he did one last run for work. That's when it hit me hard.

I ended up taking a wrong turn in the dark when I was headed to meet him at his place. He was so sweet about it. He called me to talk while he drove because he was so tired. We realized that I was on the wrong road and he talked me to where we could meet and I could follow him to the farm. 

I felt so lost. It hit me that it was what I had been hiding from all week. That lost and lonely feeling. I'm so good at wearing my happy mask. So I just hid behind it and just accepted the fact that everyone needs me to be their happy. Same as it ever was...

Now I'm outside smoking while he does his thing when he first gets home from work. I am on the brink of a tearful breakdown and I am trying so hard to hold it in. I didn't want to tell him until tomorrow night. I don't want to take anything away from his time with his friends.

Because that's what I do... I worry about everyone else. I am going through the scariest thing I have ever gone through, and I am still worried about other people's feelings.

Same as it ever was...

Someone Else...

I was sitting in a chair outside my house. One minute I was smoking a cigarette, thinking about all of the trivial crap that people think about. I reached up to scratch an itch. Something we do a hundred times a day without a thought.

My hand reached up and before I reached the itch, I was stopped cold. I couldn't believe this thing that had entered my reality. Not this. It had to be a lie. Yes, it was a lie. It had to be.

I went into a numb shock, and I only had one thought. Tell someone. Only one. So I called Kimberley. As the words came out, it sounded so fake to me- so unreal. Like when you walk into a crowded room and feel invisible, almost as if you were displaced from another dimension. It feels like you are in a bubble, invisible to the world, but you can still see everyone and everything going on all around you, oblivious to your presence.

I could tell right away she grasped the magnitude of what I said. It was in her voice. I immediately knew she would begin to pray about it unceasingly. And I was still floating in that I invisible bubble. I felt 17 levels removed from my body, my words. I was numb.

I hung up and went inside. I thought about it some more and made sure I didn't imagine it. I looked up some information about other occurrences such as these, but it all felt so false. Then I just went to sleep. It was surreal. It must be my chronic sleep deprivation from working nights. 

I woke up an hour ago. After 30 minutes I checked the facts again, and nothing had changed. I wanted to tell everyone... And no one. I thought about one person I would HAVE to tell and decided no one know else would know until they figured it out on their own. For someone who shares her life with the world, it feels strange to want to keep this secret.

I really wanted to call Paul. But it's too soon. I know I will share this with him long before I share it with others, but not just yet. Tonight is his first night at his new post, and I don't want to alter his experience. I will tell him when I have some facts.

These are the moments when you realize who you are the closest to. Who you think to tell first says a lot about where you are at on your journey. It brings everything into sharp focus and gives you unbelievable clarity.

I keep thinking about the woman at work who is on this path. It was someone else. These things always happen to "someone else", dont they? LOL We hear these stories throughout our lives about car accidents, bankruptcy, divorce, cancer, being laid off... And we are secretly always glad it's someone else.

That's sounds cruel, but I don't mean it that way. I just mean the way our brains are wired not to immediately accept these things into our personal reality. As if they could never happen to us as long as they keep happening to "someone else."

And I suddenly knew that my life would forever be marked by this. A marker that separates segments of my life. Everything from now on would be After. And everything that has already been will be Before.

That's just how these things work...

Wow, people!

Today I feel compelled to finally put some thoughts down regarding recent experiences. It's been an interesting weekend to say the least. Heck, it's been an interesting month! Lol

So much major stuff has happened to me in the last few weeks, and I am still trying to process it all in my head. One month ago, I was hit head on with a situation in my family that I was not prepared for. I am not at liberty to share details, but someone I love included me in a heart wrenching process that has truly changed me.

Two weeks later, a close friend of mine died. She went to sleep one night, and she never woke up. She was 44. That is one year older than me. Sure, she had many issues relating to her health that I have been blessed to never have experienced, but she was vibrant, and crazy fun, and incredibly loving and giving to everyone she met on her journey on this earth. This was the first time I lost "one of MY people". This was not about supporting a friend during THEIR loss. This loss was my own. And it has affected me DEEPLY. 

The loneliness I have felt through dealing with recent events has been PROFOUND. Sure, my friends love me, and they tell me how much I mean to them, and to their lives. But the actions have not been there to match their words. I have not yet had ONE person call me and make plans to get together right away, one on one, so I could do whatever I need to do- cry, talk, laugh, drink, etc. I still go home EVERY DAY, alone with my emotions. 

In the meantime, I have done more than that for anyone that asked. I have changed plans for people to be their shoulder to cry on,  showed up when I was called on, shared laughter and whatever was required to "make it better" for everyone else. And I have watched a few of these people dump me as soon as someone closer came in to share their experience and I was not needed anymore. 

I may be strong, I may seem happy and carefree most of the time, but I have feelings too. And I am so damn tired of being there for everyone else, and never having someone who is just there for me. It gets old. And it seems that all of the people who want to tell me "it's going to be alright" find that easy to say when they have their own person who is there JUST for them. 

Then there is the whole dating fiasco. LOL I am fun, I make people laugh, I truly choose to live my life with joy and "everybody Loves Jodi." But no one wants to KNOW Jodi. I'm good enough to be everyone's friend. Good God, I have enough guy friends to start a professional sports team! I get it. I'm the cool chick that's great to hang out with. Ugh. As long as I don't NEED you to be there for me, right?

So I tried dating again. One person was actually working out pretty well, until I realized he never asked me anything about myself, and only met me when it was convenient for him. Ok, got it. But each time another situation fell flat, I found myself connecting with him again because at least it was someone who wanted to be with me, if only for the moment. 

Finally, I came to my senses and threw it all out the window. I was planning on going to a friend's party and having a great night doing whatever I wanted to do. We made plans for me to spend the night so I could have a few drinks, cut loose and have fun, and leave my worries at the door. I was looking forward to it all week. 

That night I was running one last trip to drive my daughter somewhere before the the trip to my friends' place and I got ill. I became sick to my stomach because I was so busy being what everyone else needed, that I had completely forgotten to eat, and I took my meds for the first time in days and on an empty stomach. It was an odd week and my schedule was different, so I had intermittently been taking my pills. Oops. Actually, I have not taken them regularly in a month's time due to all of the upheaval. So taking them on an empty stomach in my rush to be all things to all people before finally doing my thing was too much, and I missed the party completely. Such is my life.

The next day I woke up to a beautiful sunny day. It was early, and I got all of my errands done and left for my fun day before Noon. The plan was to visit an Art Show that I had missed the last few years. I was going to get inspiration to create. I was also going to meet someone new that found me when I was deleting yet another dating profile.

I went to the Art Show wearing my necklace I made at my Artist friend's house. I carried the purse that I created a few years back that always reminds me who I really am. I wore my artsy earrings (one of which is from the Art Institute in Chicago), my favorite jeans, and my old Vans that have been to every stitching retreat I have attended. I felt like ME, and I was finally having MY day.

The plan was to go to the Show, the new guy would meet me there in the afternoon, and we could hang out after the show if it was going well. If not, then I could be at the pool in time for trivia and a chat with my "therapist". Lol 

Once I arrived at the show, I saw amazing things, spoke to other people who were compelled to create, got amazing inspiration, and felt renewed. More than one artist shared things with me they would never share with the public when they found out I made my necklace and my purse, and I was really "one of them". It was wonderful!

I was having such a good time, I didn't care when my potential date decided to postpone until 6pm because driving 30 minutes was too much trouble and couldn't we meet by him? Sure, what the heck, I'm going with the flow, living in the moment. I am at peace with my life in this space.

I needed a break from walking and I was still 3 hours out from leaving for my date. I decided to treat myself to a drink I remembered from years ago. I went in, sat down at the bar, and ordered my drink. I was happy. I was being carefree and spontaneous, and staying in the moment. 

I was at the last stool on the long end of the L shaped bar, and there were two stools at the short end. A man sat on the farther one from me, waiting for his food. We began chatting and laughing and having a nice experience. Two strangers who knew we would never see each other again, so we were relaxed and it was easy back and forth. 

By the time his food arrived, and I ordered a second drink, he asked me what I was doing next. We each shared our plans for the rest of the day. We talked longer and he said he would postpone his friends if I would be interested in hanging out a little longer. In that moment I made a choice. I chose to stay and spend a little more time with someone who had just met me, and wanted more time with ME. I had no illusions about ever seeing him again, I was simply living in the moment and going with my gut. It was good. :-)

We walked the Art show for a couple of hours and then decided to continue on to the musical performance at Epcot. We laughed and had fun and got to know each other a little more. At the end of the night, his car was closer so we stopped there and talked some more. Finally we said goodbye with a hug and thanked each other for a nice time. 

We have each other's number. If we are supposed to connect again, then we will. But that's not what it was about. This was two people living in the moment, finding it to be a good one, and stretching it out to its natural conclusion. It was such a nice break from the last month, and I needed it. 

Today I woke up to judgement about where I went and opinions about canceling a date with someone who wouldn't drive 30 minutes to meet me. Incidentally, I can't remember a time in the last month or two when any of these people, so quick to comment on my experience, actually called me and offered their support, let alone inconvenienced themselves to spend time with me. Just ME. Wow. 

Life is busy. Life is hard. We have to find joy where we can. The least we can do is take time to express positivity to the people we are supposed to care about. That's how I try to live every day. 

Is it really asking too much to want the same thing in return once in a while?

Wow, people...

Lucy

I am currently reading "John Lennon: The Life." I am about one third of the way through this long tome, and it has already deeply affected me. I have consequently been drawn to very specific Beatles songs that are in sync with my soul and where I stand on my journey.

For several days Eleanor Rigby ran through my head. I began to see in pictures again, and Art was waiting to be made. Before I had a chance to follow through, a whole new situation brought another song. This time, it was Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. 

I see her floating in mid air with her tiny blonde pigtails sticking out to the sides of her little face as she glides along like a ballerina. This one will be a cross stitch design for sure. Lucy is in my heart, and she is guiding me. Perhaps she is my Muse?

I also see a canvas, and a doll. Maybe she is a mascot just for me? The last doll I made was supposed to be... But she had her own ideas about her style. In the end, I was quite pleased with how she turned out, but she was not the personal mascot that I had expected her to be.

Lucy is different. Lucy speaks to me and shows me quite clearly what she looks like and how she moves. She carries flowers, just picked from her latest adventure. And she has a little bag strung across her body for keeping her treasures safe. Trinkets from her many adventures...

Lucy laughs and it sounds like bells hanging from tree branches flowing in the breeze. She has that little angel voice that that sweet baby girls always have. Her eyes are wide with wonder at the world around her...

Glimpses

Surprises come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they are meant to stay. Other times they merely show up to give you a glimpse of something you thought you wanted, and they show you that you need to be more specific. 

It is time to make a list. What is it that I am looking for? Will I ever figure it out? 

I keep meeting people that show me possibilities. People who have pieces of the whole that I am seeking. People that teach me more about who I am and what I want. Each one brings me a few steps further down my path to fulfillment.

Thank you...

Someday...

Seriously? Ugh.

My weekend went nothing like I expected. I need next week more than ever. Wow.

Tonight at work sucked, too. Somewhere between the usual calls and the call I hate the most, I had a short break with the guys. I poured out my heart, and let my emotions run. One sat there quietly, patiently listening. The other one wanted to fix it so he said too much.

In the end, I hugged each of them and thanked them for just caring enough to be there for me. It was nice. For ten minutes I let that wall down and had friends who wanted to be there for me. It was more than I got this weekend. 

I expect too much from people. I can't help it. I feel too deeply, and I am always disappointed that others don't. It is hard to be so impassioned and emotive. I can't change who I am. But some days it's hard to be me.

Some days all I long for is someone to hold me and be there for me. It is not about "external validation" or needing to be loved. It is about wanting. It is about loneliness and sorrow and wanting someone who cares enough to show it with physical affection. 

I have these days when I am just tired of being everyone else's sunshine, and I just need someone to be mine. This does not happen often, but when it does, it hits hard. And the loneliness is unbearable.

That was last night. That was rain...

Today is sunshine once more.

Friday Night...

So, this is where I am tonight. As usual, in the darkness of the night, I find truth. I am sitting here , alone, and I find it comforting.... it is home. I have my coffee, and my cigarettes. My friends... Coffee is always there for me. The warmth, the taste, it never disappoints.

Some days, my life is amazing. I have friends who truly love me as I am, and then... there are the men who don't deserve me.

If you are among the very few that I love, with all my heart, you have received a gift so priceless... how dare you treat it with casual indifference. When I love, I love so wholly, so completely, you will never know a love so true as mine.

It is a blessing, like none you have ever experienced, and it is not to be taken lightly.

I am...

WISE

fun

intelligent

HAPPY

exuberant

caffeinated

Educated

well-read

ARTICULATE

enthusiastic

opinionated

LOYAL

compassionate

empathetic

understanding

impatient

impulsive

Indignant

exasperated

LOVING

CrEaTiVe

 

AND

I procrastinate REALLY, REALLY well!

"It's been lovely, but I have to scream now!"

Trying to Trust

I'm in a thoughtful mood today. I tried to make Art again, but I wasn't feeling it. So, I decided to accept the fact that I am just in writing mode right now. 

So many thoughts and feelings are surrounding me these days. I decided to take a chance, open my heart to the possibility of love, and the Universe is playing along. 

I am curious what comes next. I am meeting new people all of the time. Some are fun, some are exciting, some even get my attention for reasons they wouldn't understand. And I am left standing here, wondering what to make of it all.

It is a scary place to be. I am open, and vulnerable. I am trying to remind myself that I am Love, and I am meant to BE loved. But it is scary to put myself out there, wondering if love will find me. 

There has been so much pain and heartbreak and disappointment. I did a lot of work to get through all that and put it behind me, assimilating it into my personal history in some manageable form. 

I had a wall built around my heart. The last time I took a chance, pulled a few stones away, and let the warm light shine in on my heart, it didn't work out very well. So I added more bricks and stones to the wall, and I went back to a friend. The one that is always there for me, waiting on the other side. 

I threw myself into the joy of being the consummate social butterfly, and I kept my heart behind that wall. Or so I thought. But just like every time before, I got too involved and fooled myself into thinking love was there. My therapist told me I was clinging to something I could never really have, because I was afraid to believe in what I really deserved. She was right.

I realized I had more work to do for myself, so I hibernated. I went within for months, virtually hiding from my life. My friends finally saw me this summer, and they asked where I had been. I told them I was stuck in hibernation mode, and I needed to snap out of it. So I did.

In that process, I realized that I am ready. I am whole and healthy and ready to really love again for the first time in years. And it scares me to death! What if I am standing here waiting, and it never comes?

What if I meet the right one for me, but I am not the right one for them? What if I find it, but subconsciously push it away because I am scared? What if love finds me, but I am afraid to believe it, and I don't recognize it staring me in the face?

What if...

There are always what ifs...

But yet we yearn to love and be loved. It is our purpose here. To experience Love in all of its forms. We need to be a part of something beautiful, something warm, something special in our own lives.

I get it. I need to Believe. I need to Trust. In myself, in my heart, and in my journey. This is so much easier said than done. 

There are men. There is the one who loves me, but probably shouldn't. There is the one that I am longing for, but I have no idea where he stands. There is the Distraction. And, of course, there is always the one who waits to pick up the pieces and remind me who I am. There are men.

But is there love?

Only time will tell. 

"Take A Chance On Me"

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(That's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'Cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(Come on, give me a break will you?)
Take a chance on me
Oh you can take your time baby, I'm in no hurry, know I'm gonna get you
You don't wanna hurt me, baby don't worry, I ain't gonna let you
Let me tell you now
My love is strong enough to last when things are rough
It's magic
You say that I waste my time but I can't get you off my mind
No I can't let go
'Cos I love you so

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa ba-ba
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me

[fade]

Writer(s): Bjoern K. Ulvaeus, Benny Goran Bror Andersson
Copyright: Union Songs Musikforlag AB

You were there...

There is a moment when I am looking at him, just watching him do mundane things the way he would if I were not there. I smile inside and realize that I am enjoying this glimpse of who he is when no one is watching. It's as if we share a secret... And I realize that in this moment I am blessed. 

I tell him I am truly enjoying watching him "be him"... Naturally he laughs it off with a funny remark. He can't handle a compliment any more than you could. 

I left overwhelmed in emotion. Naturally, I assumed it was him. 

And it was.

And it wasn't.

You were there. In my head. Echoes of a time I dared to believe. The only other time in my life I can remember just watching someone do mundane things and feeling blessed that they knew they were safe sharing that moment with me...

You laughed when I said "I love you" too often. You told me I was only infatuated. You never believed you were deserving of the powerful love I had for you. 

I knew very early on exactly what would cause our demise. I even wrote about it in that first journal. 

You never knew about the times I cried for hours, all alone in my apartment, because I already knew we would someday realize you just couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved.

That never stopped me from being All In. I adored you. I remember the night you rearranged the furniture. That night was the first night I saw your beautiful blue eyes love me back. I can still see us there, gazing at each other and realizing there was love in your eyes. And I knew I would marry you.

For years of my life, every single time I looked at you, I fell in love with you all over again. Your face, your arms, your legs when you wore shorts. A perfect specimen of physical beauty. You never did understand it. How a simple glance at you would make me fall in love all over again. No one else ever understood it, either. 

I will believe until I am dead that no being on this Earth could possibly love you as deeply and unconditionally as I did. It defies all logic and reason. But everyone knows I am crazy, right?

When you left, I was devastated. We fought one last time. You tried so hard to provoke me. Until I finally said the words. "If you are so unhappy, then why don't you just leave?" 

I never dreamed you really would. Even now it stuns me how easily you walked away. It was years before I truly realized and dealt with the fact that you were gone long before you left. That you hadn't been You for a very long time.

So many things were wrong by then. We both had changed so much. I was strong and didn't need to be rescued anymore. You were never the same after the accident. There was resentment, and anger, and ugliness. My adoration of who I knew you were meant to be could no longer hide who you really were.

It was years before I realized I had to heal once and for all. I had to do the hard work to put you behind me For good. And I thought I did.

But I am different now. 

Now I am smarter. Now I am healthier. Now I love myself for who I am, and my life is whole. 

I understand now that you did your job leaving your impression on my soul, and teaching me things I would carry with me forever.

It's better these days. So much better.

I understand that you will always be there, reminding me who I am. You taught me about love. You taught me things I wasn't able to understand before I did the work of letting our time together become a natural part of my history. 

I am love and light and laughter. I am resilient. I give my love so easily and so completely, that it overwhelms me sometimes. I am no longer scared of myself, my feelings, and the beautiful love I have to offer this world.

I am no longer afraid to look at my feelings, explore who I am, and accept nothing less than I deserve. I surround myself with people who are smart enough, wise enough in their soul to appreciate the gift I will be in their lives. 

I make better friends, with people who are smarter, and kinder, and who see everything I am and love me for what is. Not who I "could be" if I was just a different person.

And as I stood there, watching him putter around in his own special way, I smile inside and realize that I am enjoying this glimpse of who he is when no one is watching. It's as if we share a secret... And I realize in this moment that I am blessed.

Je t'aime~

Someday~

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

This is what I am waiting for...


Someday~

The Appeal of an Older Man

When I was in high school, I worked at a dry cleaner. I loved it when the older guys would bring in their suits and shirts.

These were MEN. Businessmen.

I imagined them brokering deals and running businesses during the day, then taking their women out in the evening to classy places. The kind of places that give you a reason to buy a red dress and go to the salon. Dinner, dancing.... slow dances where he has his hand on the small of your back.

He would have salt and pepper hair, and a steady gait. His stance exhibited confidence. Not arrogance. Rather, it was the kind of easy confidence that comes with time.

He was established. He was at his best now, after the years had taught him what a man should be.

He was handsome. His face was kind, but rugged. Just enough lines to let you know he had wisdom and life experience. One look at him and you knew he had class. Those hands knew how to hold a woman the way she deserved to be held. Like a lady.

I saw it over and over again in the movies. Men like Cary Grant and Clark Gable, Roger Moore and Sean Connery. Later it was Andy Garcia, Harrison Ford, and Liam Neeson. The kind of man Robert Redford portrayed in "Up Close & Personal."

I have been waiting for my own version of this man for a very long time. I sincerely hope he finds me and claims me as his own someday...

Music changes everything

There is so much going on in my life these days, it makes the time go by so quickly. Tonight is my fourth night of work this week and it feels like just yesterday I was standing in the pool discussing John Lennon....

I have been writing more than I have in years. Pages and pages flowing out of my pen. It feels so good to pour out my soul onto the smooth pages. I feel things so deeply and the emotions can be overwhelming at times. Its just who I am.

Music always brings me clarity. Sunday I left the pool and on the drive back I had the wrong music in the car with me. I got home, and I immediately changed out mt CD's. Sunday night it was Sarah McLachlin. "Surfacing" was exactly what I needed. Monday it was Shania Twain "Come on Over" and I was strong again. Tuesday it was Heart "Desire Walks On" and I was revved again. Somewhere in between, Etta James inspired me to clean the Art table and pull out the paint.

Music is everything. It is the undercurrent of our flow, it determines mood, it supports, it helps us hide or it enlivens us.

Every life deserves a soundtrack. Every heart deserves to be heard...

some days alone gets lonely

Found some old posts from another site. This was from 2011. The second time I dealt with death at work. It was a very lonely ride home that day...


Today I was strong.
Today I took charge and ran the show.
Today I did a great job.
Today I am alone.

I wish someone else
could be strong
for a little while.
I am tired
and this load is heavy.
Will you carry it for me?
Will I let you?

Will you hold me next time?

Today I am alone.