Someone Else...

I was sitting in a chair outside my house. One minute I was smoking a cigarette, thinking about all of the trivial crap that people think about. I reached up to scratch an itch. Something we do a hundred times a day without a thought.

My hand reached up and before I reached the itch, I was stopped cold. I couldn't believe this thing that had entered my reality. Not this. It had to be a lie. Yes, it was a lie. It had to be.

I went into a numb shock, and I only had one thought. Tell someone. Only one. So I called Kimberley. As the words came out, it sounded so fake to me- so unreal. Like when you walk into a crowded room and feel invisible, almost as if you were displaced from another dimension. It feels like you are in a bubble, invisible to the world, but you can still see everyone and everything going on all around you, oblivious to your presence.

I could tell right away she grasped the magnitude of what I said. It was in her voice. I immediately knew she would begin to pray about it unceasingly. And I was still floating in that I invisible bubble. I felt 17 levels removed from my body, my words. I was numb.

I hung up and went inside. I thought about it some more and made sure I didn't imagine it. I looked up some information about other occurrences such as these, but it all felt so false. Then I just went to sleep. It was surreal. It must be my chronic sleep deprivation from working nights. 

I woke up an hour ago. After 30 minutes I checked the facts again, and nothing had changed. I wanted to tell everyone... And no one. I thought about one person I would HAVE to tell and decided no one know else would know until they figured it out on their own. For someone who shares her life with the world, it feels strange to want to keep this secret.

I really wanted to call Paul. But it's too soon. I know I will share this with him long before I share it with others, but not just yet. Tonight is his first night at his new post, and I don't want to alter his experience. I will tell him when I have some facts.

These are the moments when you realize who you are the closest to. Who you think to tell first says a lot about where you are at on your journey. It brings everything into sharp focus and gives you unbelievable clarity.

I keep thinking about the woman at work who is on this path. It was someone else. These things always happen to "someone else", dont they? LOL We hear these stories throughout our lives about car accidents, bankruptcy, divorce, cancer, being laid off... And we are secretly always glad it's someone else.

That's sounds cruel, but I don't mean it that way. I just mean the way our brains are wired not to immediately accept these things into our personal reality. As if they could never happen to us as long as they keep happening to "someone else."

And I suddenly knew that my life would forever be marked by this. A marker that separates segments of my life. Everything from now on would be After. And everything that has already been will be Before.

That's just how these things work...

Wow, people!

Today I feel compelled to finally put some thoughts down regarding recent experiences. It's been an interesting weekend to say the least. Heck, it's been an interesting month! Lol

So much major stuff has happened to me in the last few weeks, and I am still trying to process it all in my head. One month ago, I was hit head on with a situation in my family that I was not prepared for. I am not at liberty to share details, but someone I love included me in a heart wrenching process that has truly changed me.

Two weeks later, a close friend of mine died. She went to sleep one night, and she never woke up. She was 44. That is one year older than me. Sure, she had many issues relating to her health that I have been blessed to never have experienced, but she was vibrant, and crazy fun, and incredibly loving and giving to everyone she met on her journey on this earth. This was the first time I lost "one of MY people". This was not about supporting a friend during THEIR loss. This loss was my own. And it has affected me DEEPLY. 

The loneliness I have felt through dealing with recent events has been PROFOUND. Sure, my friends love me, and they tell me how much I mean to them, and to their lives. But the actions have not been there to match their words. I have not yet had ONE person call me and make plans to get together right away, one on one, so I could do whatever I need to do- cry, talk, laugh, drink, etc. I still go home EVERY DAY, alone with my emotions. 

In the meantime, I have done more than that for anyone that asked. I have changed plans for people to be their shoulder to cry on,  showed up when I was called on, shared laughter and whatever was required to "make it better" for everyone else. And I have watched a few of these people dump me as soon as someone closer came in to share their experience and I was not needed anymore. 

I may be strong, I may seem happy and carefree most of the time, but I have feelings too. And I am so damn tired of being there for everyone else, and never having someone who is just there for me. It gets old. And it seems that all of the people who want to tell me "it's going to be alright" find that easy to say when they have their own person who is there JUST for them. 

Then there is the whole dating fiasco. LOL I am fun, I make people laugh, I truly choose to live my life with joy and "everybody Loves Jodi." But no one wants to KNOW Jodi. I'm good enough to be everyone's friend. Good God, I have enough guy friends to start a professional sports team! I get it. I'm the cool chick that's great to hang out with. Ugh. As long as I don't NEED you to be there for me, right?

So I tried dating again. One person was actually working out pretty well, until I realized he never asked me anything about myself, and only met me when it was convenient for him. Ok, got it. But each time another situation fell flat, I found myself connecting with him again because at least it was someone who wanted to be with me, if only for the moment. 

Finally, I came to my senses and threw it all out the window. I was planning on going to a friend's party and having a great night doing whatever I wanted to do. We made plans for me to spend the night so I could have a few drinks, cut loose and have fun, and leave my worries at the door. I was looking forward to it all week. 

That night I was running one last trip to drive my daughter somewhere before the the trip to my friends' place and I got ill. I became sick to my stomach because I was so busy being what everyone else needed, that I had completely forgotten to eat, and I took my meds for the first time in days and on an empty stomach. It was an odd week and my schedule was different, so I had intermittently been taking my pills. Oops. Actually, I have not taken them regularly in a month's time due to all of the upheaval. So taking them on an empty stomach in my rush to be all things to all people before finally doing my thing was too much, and I missed the party completely. Such is my life.

The next day I woke up to a beautiful sunny day. It was early, and I got all of my errands done and left for my fun day before Noon. The plan was to visit an Art Show that I had missed the last few years. I was going to get inspiration to create. I was also going to meet someone new that found me when I was deleting yet another dating profile.

I went to the Art Show wearing my necklace I made at my Artist friend's house. I carried the purse that I created a few years back that always reminds me who I really am. I wore my artsy earrings (one of which is from the Art Institute in Chicago), my favorite jeans, and my old Vans that have been to every stitching retreat I have attended. I felt like ME, and I was finally having MY day.

The plan was to go to the Show, the new guy would meet me there in the afternoon, and we could hang out after the show if it was going well. If not, then I could be at the pool in time for trivia and a chat with my "therapist". Lol 

Once I arrived at the show, I saw amazing things, spoke to other people who were compelled to create, got amazing inspiration, and felt renewed. More than one artist shared things with me they would never share with the public when they found out I made my necklace and my purse, and I was really "one of them". It was wonderful!

I was having such a good time, I didn't care when my potential date decided to postpone until 6pm because driving 30 minutes was too much trouble and couldn't we meet by him? Sure, what the heck, I'm going with the flow, living in the moment. I am at peace with my life in this space.

I needed a break from walking and I was still 3 hours out from leaving for my date. I decided to treat myself to a drink I remembered from years ago. I went in, sat down at the bar, and ordered my drink. I was happy. I was being carefree and spontaneous, and staying in the moment. 

I was at the last stool on the long end of the L shaped bar, and there were two stools at the short end. A man sat on the farther one from me, waiting for his food. We began chatting and laughing and having a nice experience. Two strangers who knew we would never see each other again, so we were relaxed and it was easy back and forth. 

By the time his food arrived, and I ordered a second drink, he asked me what I was doing next. We each shared our plans for the rest of the day. We talked longer and he said he would postpone his friends if I would be interested in hanging out a little longer. In that moment I made a choice. I chose to stay and spend a little more time with someone who had just met me, and wanted more time with ME. I had no illusions about ever seeing him again, I was simply living in the moment and going with my gut. It was good. :-)

We walked the Art show for a couple of hours and then decided to continue on to the musical performance at Epcot. We laughed and had fun and got to know each other a little more. At the end of the night, his car was closer so we stopped there and talked some more. Finally we said goodbye with a hug and thanked each other for a nice time. 

We have each other's number. If we are supposed to connect again, then we will. But that's not what it was about. This was two people living in the moment, finding it to be a good one, and stretching it out to its natural conclusion. It was such a nice break from the last month, and I needed it. 

Today I woke up to judgement about where I went and opinions about canceling a date with someone who wouldn't drive 30 minutes to meet me. Incidentally, I can't remember a time in the last month or two when any of these people, so quick to comment on my experience, actually called me and offered their support, let alone inconvenienced themselves to spend time with me. Just ME. Wow. 

Life is busy. Life is hard. We have to find joy where we can. The least we can do is take time to express positivity to the people we are supposed to care about. That's how I try to live every day. 

Is it really asking too much to want the same thing in return once in a while?

Wow, people...

Lucy

I am currently reading "John Lennon: The Life." I am about one third of the way through this long tome, and it has already deeply affected me. I have consequently been drawn to very specific Beatles songs that are in sync with my soul and where I stand on my journey.

For several days Eleanor Rigby ran through my head. I began to see in pictures again, and Art was waiting to be made. Before I had a chance to follow through, a whole new situation brought another song. This time, it was Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. 

I see her floating in mid air with her tiny blonde pigtails sticking out to the sides of her little face as she glides along like a ballerina. This one will be a cross stitch design for sure. Lucy is in my heart, and she is guiding me. Perhaps she is my Muse?

I also see a canvas, and a doll. Maybe she is a mascot just for me? The last doll I made was supposed to be... But she had her own ideas about her style. In the end, I was quite pleased with how she turned out, but she was not the personal mascot that I had expected her to be.

Lucy is different. Lucy speaks to me and shows me quite clearly what she looks like and how she moves. She carries flowers, just picked from her latest adventure. And she has a little bag strung across her body for keeping her treasures safe. Trinkets from her many adventures...

Lucy laughs and it sounds like bells hanging from tree branches flowing in the breeze. She has that little angel voice that that sweet baby girls always have. Her eyes are wide with wonder at the world around her...

Glimpses

Surprises come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they are meant to stay. Other times they merely show up to give you a glimpse of something you thought you wanted, and they show you that you need to be more specific. 

It is time to make a list. What is it that I am looking for? Will I ever figure it out? 

I keep meeting people that show me possibilities. People who have pieces of the whole that I am seeking. People that teach me more about who I am and what I want. Each one brings me a few steps further down my path to fulfillment.

Thank you...

Someday...